Chronicles of a Queer API

Little Frida's Coffee Shop

2011-06-16T11:31:00.003-04:00

I don't know what year Little Frida's closed, but in the late '90s it was one of my havens. I would make the trek from Irvine to West Hollywood just so I could sit in Frida's, have a cup of coffee, and write in my journal in a place where I felt I wasn't alone.

I wonder where the queer youth hang out now?

Los Angeles Dyke March

2011-06-16T11:27:00.002-04:00

Coming into my queerness in southern California was filled with so many wonderful experiences...

Corcoran Gallery of Art

2011-06-16T11:13:00.002-04:00

I don't think I prefer any one medium of art over another--they each give a different type of energy to their subjects. And, even within a medium, there are many differnces to each work.

Though I saw both these exhibits on the same visit to the Corcoran Gallery of Art, they gave me a distinct experience.

I need to remember to visit the Corcoran's website more frequently and keep an eye on current and coming exhibits.

Gay Men's Chorus of Washington DC

2011-06-16T11:03:00.003-04:00

Okay, I confess that I haven't been to a Gay Men's Chorus of Washington DC show since this 2007 performance of "American Carols," but they are a great group, and the show is always entertaining!

Days 13 & 14

2011-06-16T10:32:00.002-04:00

I did some long overdue research about nearby community recreation centers, and then promptly got an annual membership (good at multiple locations). So far, I've been a member for two days, and I've gone to work out twice. Now, if I can only keep it up!

Split Screen, or Fortune

2011-06-16T10:24:00.005-04:00

I can't remember where or when I came across this fortune, but I do know that I've had it for a while. It's been on my desk, on my monitor (yes, I actually own a desktop!). I used it for inspiration when I was still working to complete my dissertation, so I'm not sure why I've kept it these two years since.

I'm finally going to let it go...

As Brent Hartinger writes in Split Screen: Bride of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies:

Before you can introduce a new beginning, however, you must first finish what you were already doing, and that means you must clearly and definitely have...the end (p143)

American Visionary Art Museum

2011-06-16T09:41:00.004-04:00

A couple of years ago I finally took a trip to the American Visionary Art Museumin Baltimore, Maryland. (There is still SO much more of Baltimore that I have yet to explore.)

The museum is fabulous and I highly recommend visiting it!

One of the exhibits I saw was "The Marriage of Art, Science, & Philosophy" featuring, among other artists, Dalton M. Ghetti. Ghetti creates miniature masterpieces on the tips of pencils.

Images of his work are amazing, but seeing his creations first hand is surreal--you can't imagine how they could be created, and yet at the same time, these wooden pencils are so familiar (well, at least to those of us who are old enough!)

To order postcards of Ghetti's work, go to Ghetti's website.

To find out information about current exhibits, find Ghetti on Facebook.

Days 8 - 12

2011-06-14T09:43:00.006-04:00

Day 8
Another record-tying day of heat! Stayed home and went through yet more boxes of files (still even more to go before I'm done). Finished reading Split Screen by Brent Hartinger. I enjoyed Hartinger's previous books in this series (Geography Club and The Order of the Poison Oak), but wasn't captured by the brain zombies that seemed so prominently featured by the subtitles of this third book. I'm glad that I finally got around to reading it--the way that the book is split into two was really enjoyable, and effectively demonstrated how our "shared" experiences are both common and different. And, I thoroughly enjoyed how this split narrative highlighted Min--I hope to see more of her in the future.

Day 9
Explored the online training courses available through work and completed one unit in the "Introduction to Word" training. Started reading Chris Beam's novel I am J. Spent a lot of time lounging around!

Day 10
Worked. Headed downtown to catch the Capital Pride Parade and met up with some friends afterwards to extend the celebration.

Day 11
Worked. Spent some quality time at home with my boo. We lost power just as we were about to cook dinner, so we headed off to our favorite sushi restaurant, MoMo Sushi in Alexandria, VA

Came back just after power was restored, and got to see most of the Tony awards, though we did just miss the opening by Neil Patrick Harris :(

Day 12
Had a fitful night and ended up sleeping in until almost 9:30 a.m. (which is like getting up at noon for us morning folks). Spent the rest of the morning in a haze/daze. Still, I managed to complete some on-line training ("Introduction to Excel" and "Introduction to Access"). Then, gently spurred on by my boo, I went on an afternoon bike ride. I rode out 5 miles on the W & OD trail, turning around at East Falls Church. The ride out wasn't too tough, though I did constantly feel as if I were going so much slower than all the other bikers. It was only after turning around to head back that I realized that there was a slight uphill grade!

The other excitement was caused by my failing brakes. My rear brakes weren't working great at all on my last ride, but I still went on this ride without doing anything about it. I WILL ALWAYS CHECK OUT MY BIKE'S CONDITION BEFORE GOING ON A RIDE IN THE FUTURE. I figured that as long as my front brakes were working I was good to go. So, when I realized during my ride back (downhill) that my front brakes were hardly doing anything to slow me down, let alone stop me, well, it was BAD. I got home safely, though more by luck than design.

Needless to say, as soon as I got back home I googled "how to adjust brakes on a mountain bike" and did some DIY bike maintenance. My google search had a bunch of results, but I started with this video, followed by the free tutorial from bicycletutor.com, and the brake diagrams from bikewebsite.com.

Afterwards? Made enchiladas (re-fried beans, spinach, bell peppers, and onions) for dinner.

Day 7

2011-06-09T12:22:00.009-04:00

Day 7
7:30 a.m. dentist appointment. Going to the dentist is probably not on most folks' list of things to do during summer break, but given my impending lack of health insurance (due to said summer break) it was the perfect time. Followed by a quick trip to the dry cleaners and other errands, then back home. Staying home is also probably not on most folk's list of things to do during summer break, but I've always been a homebody. Finally finished reading Chad Millman and Shawn Coyne's The Ones Who Hit the Hardest: The Steelers, the Cowboys, the '70s, and the Fight for America's Soul. ISBN 978-1-592-40576-3

As I was walking to the circulation desk to check out my library items, this book caught my eye from its place on the nearby "New Books" shelf. While I've read several autobiographies and biographies over the years, I've never really read sports non-fiction before. It presented an interesting mixture of historical story-telling and is definitely a genre I'll keep my eye on.

I'll spare giving a full review of the book--those can be found elsewhere. I will say, however, that it drew an interesting picture of a sport, a city, an industry, and a time in history that showed me things that I hadn't seen before. Like all other books, the viewpoint it offers is a partial one, though one I imagine that many Steelers fans, Pittsburghers, and sports and history buffs would gladly add to their existing frames.

Later in the day I spent some time in the kitchen, making both quiche and lasagna.

Another good summer day.

Summer 2011, Days 1 - 6

2011-06-07T15:02:00.007-04:00

I officially started my "summer break" last Thursday.

It's a break in so far as instead of working six days a week at two different jobs, I'm down to working two days a week at just one job--at least for the next two months.

Some folks think it's great to have such time off, I think they forget that it also means that I earn considerably less during these two months. So yes, it's time off, but with a price; though one I willingly pay.

Lots of folks ask me, "what will you do with all that time off?" It's a question that strikes me as strange because of the rhetoric/dream about retirement as this (ideal/idealized) period in life when after having worked for so long we are able to do things we weren't able to. Financial realities show us that this kind of retirement has not always been available to all, and continues to be so. In full awareness that I will likely work past the age of retirement (whatever that standard might be in the next thirty plus years), I'm trying to take advantage of the time I have now to do what I can.

Day 1

Went to the local public library, and did some summer closet cleaning that resulted in a trip to drop off donations to Goodwill. Made one of my favorite recipes from the Moosewood cookbook I just checked out of the library!

Day 2

Took advantage of my groupon deal for Jack's Boathouseand kayaked on the Potomac River for an hour. Visited the blood drive being held locally and tried to give, but proved too dehydrated!

Day 3
Worked.

Day 4
Worked. And, took my bike out for an afternoon ride on nearby trails (Four Mile Run and Mount Vernon Trails).

Day 5
Another trip to Georgetown, starting with a leisurely walk (while waiting until noon) and then to Jack's Boathouse for another hour paddle on the Potomac. Followed by a trip to Trader Joe's.

Day 6
A morning walk around the neighborhood, time reading one of my many library books, and much needed clean up of files on/around my desk. Oh, and catching up on blog posts!

Woolly Woolly!!

2011-05-20T17:08:00.003-04:00

I spent this year's Spring Break on a staycation. One of the gems of DC that I got to experience is the Woolly Mammoth Theatre Company's pay-what-you-can (PWYC) performance.

You see, the first two days that a new show opens, they make PWYC tickets availalbe on a first come, first served basis.

The show I attended was The Agony and the Ecstacy of Steve Jobs created and performed by Mike Daisey.

Following his smash hit monologue, The Last Cargo Cult, Mike Daisey pulls back the curtain veiling America’s most mysterious technology icon. With a wickedly funny tale of pride, beauty, lust, and industrial design, Daisey illuminates the war—from China to Silicon Valley—over how we see our world, and the human price we pay for our high-tech toys.

It was great! It reminded me how enjoyable theater can be--not only because it was a quality production, but also because of the challenging content of the show. I loved it's element of commentary through a twisted kind of dramatic documentary.

Their next show, BootyCandy written and directed by Robert O'Hara will be opening May 30, with PWYC performances on Monday May 30 and Tuesday May 31.

And with an overview like this:

Robert O’Hara took home a 2010 Helen Hayes Award for Antebellum, and he’s cooking up an even saucier dish for us now. This kaleidoscope of sassy lessons in sex education speaks the truth about growing up gay and African American. With outrageous humor and real heart, it tests how we talk about our bodies at home, in church, and on the corner.

Why wouldn't you be there?

Nellie's Sports Bar

2011-05-20T17:01:00.004-04:00

When Nellie's first opened, I really enjoyed going there. You can't beat their rooftop space. But, as with all quality places, it got more and more crowded. There are times when I don't mind crowds, but I also like being able to sit AND have a good view of a TV with the game that I'm trying to watch, too. Then, the quality of their food seemed to decline...

After a long absence I went back to Nellie's to watch a few March Madness games. I'm happy to report that the food was MUCH improved, the beer selection decent, the staff VERY friendly, and though still crowded, found it to be a pleasant crowd.

So glad that after some time away I was able to come back and enjoy Nellie's as much as I used to.

Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder?

They Came and Went

2011-05-05T20:49:00.002-04:00

Over the years I've crossed paths with so many amazing people.
Some crossings lasted longer than others.
Some crossings were deeper than others.
They have all left their mark.

By the wonder of the internet I've been able to see how some of their paths have continued...

BYT
FLL
JDH
MEL
MMH
OB

So, let me celebrate and honor them here now...

while I cherish and lament that they've come and gone.

I want to learn to make more lasting ties to people.

I need to learn to make more lasting ties to people.

April Showers

2011-04-08T14:47:00.005-04:00

It's a gray, rainy, April day. I have to remember, though, that April showers will bring May flowers. In the mean time, I am enjoying my windowsill plants.

This South African Squill that I bought for $3 at last year's bonsai festival at the National Arboreteum seems to be growing well.

I had no idea it would flower, too.

Similarly, the baby jade I got at the same time is also fairing well. I've already had to cut it back on several ocassions, and it looks like it might be time for a trim again soon.

.

Port City Brewing

2011-04-08T14:37:00.005-04:00

I was working at Starbucks a couple of weekends ago, catching up with a long time regular customer who told me about Port City Brewing. I had yet to hear about this new brewery just blocks away. Better late than never, I guess. Out of the four I tasted, I found the wit particually yummy. I'll definitely be on the lookout for it around town!

Plenty

2011-02-26T17:15:00.002-05:00

"Plenty"

I looked into your eyes
they told me plenty
I already knew
you never felt a thing
so soon forgotten all that you do
in more than words I
tried to tell you
the more I tried I failed
I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day
I used to think my life
was often empty
a lonely space to fill
you hurt me more than
I ever would have imagined
you made my world stand still
and in that stillness
there was a freedom
I never felt before
I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day

I don't think I ever really knew what the lyrics to this Sarah McLachlan song were before looking them up just now. Or, maybe I knew without ever knowing. In any case, just heard this song again while watching Queer as Folk, and was moved by it and wanted to savor that feeling here.

Pike Place Special Reserve

2011-02-18T12:13:00.002-05:00

One of the many stops I made on my journey across the country (and back) was to the original Starbucks store in Pike Place Market. In many ways it didn't seem all that different from all the other Starbucks stores I've visited.

Of course, two major differences are the original logo and the availability of Pike Place Special Reserve.

I definitely enjoyed my time in Seattle, though it did feel a bit strange to be in a city I had been in ten years before and experience it in simultaneously different and similar ways.

The more and more I think back on my cross-country trip and talk/write about it, the less and less I feel that I don't like to travel. I continue to surprise myself by how I'm changing as I get older. (Not to diminish, however, the ways I'm staying the same!)

Meeting in the middle

2011-01-06T11:30:00.004-05:00

I saw this Prickly City (pricklycity@gmail.com) cartoon by Scott Stantis awhile back (15 August 2010) and saved it because I thought it was so great.

It does a great job of showing the contentiousness involved in upholding binaries--up vs. down, in vs. out, for us vs. against us. Perhaps even more importantly, however, it shows the difficulty of attempting to work beyond binaries. That is, that even when do desire for unity/reconciliation/negotiation/etc. that we find ourselves in an environment where there is no middle ground.

However, it's not there is no middle ground available, just that we have not envisioned or created it (yet). So, here's to reminding us all that we can meet in the middle, but that sometimes in order to do so, we must create that middle!

Will Grayson, Will Grayon

2011-01-04T12:24:00.002-05:00

Finished reading my first book of 2011, John Green and David Levithan's Will Grayson, Will Grayson.

As a fan of David Levithan, it was interesting to experience this collaboration with John Green. Having co-written an essay for a college class eons ago, I can only imagine that the process of co-writing a novel can be a difficult task, especially if the authors have different visions for the project at hand, or even different ideas of how to achieve a shared vision.

I certainly enjoyed the way in which Will Grayson, Will Grayson works it way together, as Will Grayson and the other Will Grayson's paths cross. I definitely appreciate the work Green and Levithan undertook to tell this story.

I found the following quotation from the book especially timely as I celebrate the start of a new year:

this is why we call people exes, i guess - because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating a the end. it's too easy to see an X as a cross-out. it's not, because there's no way to cross out something like that. the X is a diagram of two paths. (277)

I wanted to send holiday cards to a few exes this past year, in recognition/celebration/thanks for the time that our paths had crossed. Though those moments have passed, I felt the urge to send good thoughts and warm wishes to them now. In the end, I sent only one such card...fearing that the others wouldn't understand the appreciation I was trying to convey. But, if any of them happen to stumble across this blog, I hope they know that my sentiment of appreciation is sincere, and that I would not be where I am today without them.

I'm here now

2011-01-03T13:49:00.002-05:00

I've been alive and well, though this blog has been more dead than alive for quite some time. I doubt anyone really comes across here regularly, except maybe spambots, so I don't expect to have been missed by others...but I do think that I've missed myself.

I started this blog as a way to encourage myself to write, as a way to chronicle my life and all the fullness of it which too often slips my mind. Then, I started living such a full life, that I didn't "feel" like I had time to blog. The reality is that I didn't make the time to blog, just like I don't make the time to do other things...

I want to make time again, for blogging, and for so much more!

Today I made the time to walk to the post office (and was amazed at all the changes in my neighborhood I saw--one restaurant almost opened, another one closed, one retail store closing, another one remodeling to enlarge...) and to read Will Grayson, Will Grayson.

One quick gem from the book, then back to it!

when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost--the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed. (174)

Find Max Wolf Valerio on Facebook

2010-09-24T13:28:00.002-04:00

Years ago I read Max Wolf Valerio's book The Testosterone Files and then offered my own thoughts about it here. To this day, it remains the most searched for and visited page on my blog. (Which I'm not at all surprised about given Valerio's prominence.)

He's since long abandoned his blogger blog, The First Steps, as well as his one on Typepad (Wolf Man Howls), so I wanted to offer a new link to Max Wolf Valerio on Facebook in the hopes of helping those searching for him to find him that much easier and faster.

(I, of course, am much too shy to try and "friend" him!)

Books, Libraries, and Bookstores

2010-08-27T15:37:00.003-04:00

In his Sunday, August 15, 2010 Washington Post article, "As electronic readers gain popularity, what happens to the personal library?" Philip Kennicott muses about the ways in which technology is changing our lives. More specifically he writes that "the architecture of our lives is constantly changing" and considers home libraries in particular.

I love his description of just how much books represent, though I would note that his focus on unread books is a bit heavy for my taste. Sure, I have those books on my shelf which I had intended to read but probably never will. But growing up as a young queer person book were my refuge. I sought out and devoured as much as I could, and felt that much better off for having done so--fuller in spirit, in love, and ultimately in life.

This summer I finally started to let some of those books go--because, as Kennicott so rightly points out, it's only very few of us who truly have adequate space for a home library. I was able to sell some of them outright (though hardly at all for the original cost of them), I've got some of them on sale currently (with the hopes that I'll make a minimal gain, and the even bigger desire to pass them on to someone who might find as much value in them as I did once), and others I'll be giving away.

Sometimes it doesn't seem like much...seven or so boxes among so many more. But, I'm trying to remind myself that letting go of these materials things doesn't mean giving up all they meant and still mean to me.

However, when I think about the local LGBT bookstore that closed earlier this year and the local libraries that are reducing hours due to budget constraints, I can't help be sad. Sure, so much more is available on-line these days than when I went looking fifteen years ago, but I still think it's an all together different experience. Then again, I'm sure queer youth today won't even realize what I feel is missing because of all there is.

Getting older and looking back at things is such a strange experience.

Maker's Mark Distillery (Loretto, KY)

2010-08-26T09:30:00.005-04:00

The first night away from home I spent in Lexington, KY. I had chosen Lexington over Indianapolis, IN because the latter was a bigger city than I was in the mood to road trip through.

Lexington's rolling green hills and white horse fences were picturesque, and just the right note with which to set off a long journey. And what an adventure it was the next morning when I headed to Loretto, KY to visit the Maker's Mark Distillery. (The narrow winding country roads were a bit intimidating.)

I confess that I had never had Maker's Mark before, nor am I generally a bourbon whisky drinker. But, a former roommate of mine did drink Maker's Mark and their distinctive red wax hand-dipped bottle is certainly memorable. But, the distillery tour was on a list of AAA attractions for the area, and it was FREE. That's all I needed to know before I inputted the address into my GPS and headed out. (I certainly had no idea that there was a Bourbon Trail I could have explored in KY if I had only left myself more time!)

In any case, I LOVED the distillery tour and LOVED the Maker's Mark Mint Julep I sampled at the end of the tour. (Sure, it's probably better with fresh mint leaves, but their bottled variety was plenty tasty.) When they say hand-crafted, they mean it, and you can see it! I was impressed enough to leave with a bottle and sign up to be an ambassador. (You don't have to visit the distillery to become an ambassador, for more details go to http://www.makersmark.com/AmbassadorRegister.aspx)

Some folks were amazed that I'd travel to Lexington, being the queer transman that I am, especially given that I was traveling alone. I'm happy to report that I didn't have any negative experiences during my road trip, including but not limited to Kentucky. I'm sure I seemed strange to folks, but that's true most places I go, the Washington D.C. metro area and San Francisco Bay area, too!

Away and Back

2010-08-17T11:40:00.003-04:00

The car that took me away and back on my cross-country road trip this summer.

I had a great time, and am amazed by how much I was able to do and see, as well as by how much more there still is to do and see. Thinking back, however, so much of it seems so unreal (until I see the 8,000+ miles I put on the car!)

Bucket List

2010-08-12T11:18:00.004-04:00

When I started this blog five years ago, I wanted to do so to chronicle not only my thoughts and feelings, but also as a means to record various events in my life. So much has changed in five years, and I'm sure the future holds more change as well. But, at this moment here's a quick bucket list :

Travel to Paris, France...see the Louvre, Seine, & Eiffel Tower
See the Grand Canyon
Hang-glide (preferably at Fort Funston)
Parachute
Ride in a hot air balloon
Join a (queer) bowling league
Sing in a church choir
Complete an art project

These things came to mind in ten minutes. Honestly, I thought I'd have I really long list, but I actually struggled to get these eight! On one hand, I feel really happy and satisfied with my life and all the things I've already done. On the other hand, I need to think and dream bigger!

The end of an era

2010-08-10T09:01:00.004-04:00

After more than 10 years on the road and over 100,000 miles I finally had to say goodbye to my '99 Saturn SC2. Although I was initially intimiated by its manual transmission, now that I'm back to driving an automatic, I find myself missing it at times. There are other things I'll miss about it too, but I think the sadness all stems from realizing how some things that seem so recent, actually aren't. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some things are in the distant past...

Thank goodness, then, for new adventures and new memories!

Union Jack's British Pub

2010-08-09T10:13:00.003-04:00

I went to Union Jack's British Pub (the Columbia, MD location) just last week for the first time. The roasted vegetable sandwich was VERY tasty. Still, I left with a bad taste in my mouth because of their "British Slang" napkin. I was disheartened in particular by the inclusion of "nancy boy: If someone is being pathetic you would call them a nancy or nancy boy." This slang has misogynistic and homophobic undertones that I would rather not have seen being distributed as novelty fun. It's no wonder that I don't have a sense of humor at times--too often humor comes at the price of perpetuating oppression.

How Beautiful the Ordinary

2010-08-09T09:38:00.002-04:00

Years ago when I started this blog, I did so because I wanted to leave traces for myself of my life...the ordinary, the extraordinary and everything else, too. I've been lax on posting for quite a while. I could say it's because I've been busy, but I also know that we all have time for the things that we make time for.

I just finished reading the anthology How Beautiful the Ordinary: Twelve Stories of Identity (2009) edited by Michael Cart. As with most anthologies, there were some stories I really loved, and others I struggled to finish reading. By far, one of my favorites in this collection is David Levithan's "A Word From the Nearly Distant Past." (Not surprising given my love of Levithan's other novels.) I particularly enjoyed the point of view of the "nearly distant past." It's a position I'm identifying with more and more, especially in light of my most recent birthday. And, of course, Levithan's story had my favorite line from the whole book:

Freedom isn't just about voting and marrying and kissing on the street, although all of these things are important. Freedom is also about what you will allow yourself to do. (11)

An increasingly important sentiment, not only for us as individuals, but also for our queer communities as well as soceity-at-large in this time of legislative change.

2010 Census - I count, you count, we count!

2010-03-19T09:34:00.001-04:00

Bravery

2010-01-13T16:14:00.002-05:00

Being brave doesn't mean that you're not scared. It means that you're scared, and that you do the thing that you're afraid of anyway.

I'm far from a big fan of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), but I do like these opening lines of a quotation that appears on one of their coming out posters.

I agree with the remaining sentiment that coming out is an act of bravery.

Still, I disagree that coming out is necessarily the most important thing I do on any given day.

Transgender Basics by Juel Nordentoft

2009-10-01T18:55:00.001-04:00

A must see, most excellent film!

Coming Out of Limbo

2009-09-18T20:48:00.003-04:00

Lots has been going on lately, but in some ways I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out of limbo. In a weird way things are settling down at the same time everything's changing. I'm not sure I know how to explain it all yet...

It's not exactly that I was tucked away hibernating, but I do have that Rip Van Winkle sense of newly getting in touch with the world.

For example, I went through my bookmarks tonight and ran across one for friendster.

On one hand it made me laugh, but on the other hand, it was just another indicator of time passing, getting older, and how much things are always changing.

Yay for DignityUSA

2009-04-28T17:16:00.003-04:00

In the email just the other day, I received the recent edition of QV: Quarterly Voice of DignityUSA (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Catholics), which to my pleasant surprise is the Transgender Issue.

It begins with an introduction by Publications Committee Chair, Leo Egashira, that points out not only the Church's ignorance of transpeople, but DignityUSA's lack of trans knowledges, too. Egashira then goes on to thank those who shared their stories, and ends by urging us all "to ensure that the "T" component of GLBT remains high in our consciousness and accorded its rightful place in our mission."

I, too, thank the people who contributed their personal stories so that the larger community might begin to learn about and understand those of us in Dignity who are trans-identified. It is, certainly, however, simply an "Introduction to Transgender Lives" as Egashira's essay titles reflects. Still, I'm glad for the expose of trans issues to all Dignity members it provides.

It makes think about the story I could tell. (And, all the on-line resources I'd add to their list!)

I don't think that's either a carrot or a stick, but definitely something I'm putting on my "After I'm done with the Dissertation" list.

Carrot #2

2009-04-28T16:59:00.004-04:00

I've run into a particular idiom "carrot or stick" several times this semester in discussions with people about trying to get my dissertation done this semester. Basically, carrots are rewards while sticks are punishments. Being partial to carrots over sticks in this instance, I wanted to post another one (in my previous post I talked about reading Kathy Reichs' novels featuring Dr. Temperance Brennan) to remind myself what lays ahead/beyond.

Today I got an email from The New Press which featured Secret Identities:
The Asian American Superhero Anthology edited by Jeff Yang, Parry Shen, Keith Chow, and Jerry Ma (2009) ISBN 978-1-59558-398-7

A groundbreaking graphic collection that explores Asian American culture, identity, and history through all-new superhero comics
What if we told you a tale about a quiet, unassuming guy with black hair and thick glasses; an immigrant, who’s done his best to fit into a world that isn’t his? Many Asian Americans fit that bill. But so does Clark Kent, better known to the world as Superman. —The editors of Secret Identities

Appealing to both comics fans and Asian Americans seeking to claim their place in American culture, Secret Identities makes brilliant use of the conventions of the superhero comic book to expose the real face of the Asian American experience.

This groundbreaking graphic anthology brings together leading Asian American creators in the comics industry—including Gene Yang (National Book Award finalist for American Born Chinese), Bernard Chang (Wonder Woman), Greg Pak (The Hulk), and Christine Norrie (Black Canary Wedding Special )—to craft original graphical short stories set in a compelling “shadow history” of our country: from the building of the railroads to the Japanese American internment, the Vietnam airlift, the murder of Vincent Chin, and the incarceration of Dr. Wen Ho Lee.

Entertaining and enlightening, Secret Identities offers whiz-bang action, searing satire, and thoughtful commentary from a community too often overlooked by the cultural mainstream, while showcasing a vivid cross-section of the talents whose imagination and creativity is driving the contemporary comics renaissance.

Jeff Yang was the founder of the pioneering Asian American periodical aMagazine. The author of three books and the biweekly column “Asian Pop” for the San Francisco Chronicle, he lives in Brooklyn, New York. Parry Shen, best known for his lead role in the movie Better Luck Tomorrow, lives in Southern California. Keith Chow, an educator and comics journalist, lives in Maryland. Jerry Ma, the founder of the indie comics studio Epic Proportions, lives in New York City.

It sounds totally fun and interesting.

Pronouns

2009-04-25T10:47:00.002-04:00

I first discovered the television series Bones last year, and I've been a huge fan since. (I'm looking forward to reading the novels the television series are based on after I finish my darn dissertation.)

I was disappointed, though, by how this week's episode, "The Girl in the Mask" (Season 4, episode 21) played out gender androgyny.

The episode features a doctor visiting from Japan whose fashion sensibilities, reflective of some Japanese culture norms, are androgynous by U.S. standards. The struggle to discern whether the doctor is a man or woman (of course, it's either one or the other) becomes a predominant side story involving the supporting cast.

More specifically, it's Angela who first raises the issue with Hodgins and Dr. Sweets. Hodgins' and Dr. Sweets' reaction almost make it seem as if they hadn't realized there was an issue with the doctor's gender. In fact, I was surprised that Angela was even the one who raised the issue. Doing so doesn't seem to fit Angela's character--her open, artistic, and bisexual sensibilities--that she would be so fixated on what gender the doctor is.

The next disappointing moment is when Dr. Saroyan says, "God I miss the ease of a simple pronoun." Hopefully, people will hear her line and realize that it's not that pronouns are simple, it's that we make them seem simple. I'm not really confident that this reading will be apparent to most, though. Instead, what I think most audiences will take away is a sense of unpleasant confusion brought about by androgynous people--making them the culprits instead of the limits of language. It would have been a great moment to introduce gender neutral pronouns like sie, ze, and hir.

There was a moment of hope though, when Dr. Sweets tries to explain to Angela and Hodgins that the subset of urban Japanese aesthetic that the doctor follows glorifies androgyny. He follows by saying, "gender is unimportant, we should be mature enough to accept the doctor just the way the doctor is." Though Angela and Hodgins agree that gender really isn't important, they continue on their search for the doctor's gender.

At the show's conclusion, without yet having an answer to their search, the question of the doctor's gender is raised once again. Sadly, instead of asking the doctor hirself, Angela decides to conduct a test of her own. This is especially sad because the squints avoid entering into a discussion/dialogue with the doctor due to their fear of not being "politically correct." I expected more from them.

I expected more from the show.

It's Not About Being Politically Correct

2009-04-23T09:43:00.002-04:00

In the frenzy of media coverage about Perez Hilton's question to Miss California’s Carrie Prejean during the Miss USA contest, it seems so many news stories are missing the point.

Not surprisingly, the incident is often framed as a contest between Prejean and her honest beliefs against same-sex marriage and Hilton as an out gay man unhappy about her discriminating beliefs.

Let's call things what they are, okay? Prejean does not believe in extending civil rights to same-sex couples that opposite-sex couples have long had--this is in fact, denying same-sex couples their full citizenship, and is discriminatory. The fact that she believes, this, though, does not make her a bitch, a cunt, or any other misogynist names that she's been called by Hilton (and others, I'm sure). To attack her anti-gay discrimination with misogyny is simply fighting one discrimination with another.

Does Prejean have the option of being homophobia and heterosexist? Yes. Does Hilton have the option of being upset that Prejean is homophobic and heterosexist? Yes. Does Prejean's heterosexist thinking excuse Hilton's sexism? No.

Would we want a Miss USA who is homophobic and heterosexist? Depends on which "we" you mean. Do we want a beauty competition judge who is sexist? Depends on which "we" you mean (some would say beauty competitions in and of themselves are sexist).

I'm disappointed, though I can't say entirely surprised, at the absence of a queer feminist analysis of how Prejean has been depicted as a victim of Hilton's liberal extremism, and Hilton has been depicted as a vicious attacker in ways that elicit people's compassions for Prejean, and by extension her discriminating beliefs--to the detriment of both feminist and queer movements! This is why feminism and queer movements need to work in coalition with one another.

Even more so, however, I'm disappointed at the lack of focus being paid to the quality of answer Prejean gave. The negative response to her anti-gay answer has almost made it untouchable to critique, especially since the terms of critique get molded into either a pro-gay vs anti-gay dichotomy, or a freedom of speech vs being politically correct conundrum.

Let's take a look:

Hilton asks, "Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit, why or why not."

Prejean responds, "I think it’s great Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what in my country, in my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be, between a man and a woman."

Aside from the fact that we do NOT live in a country where everyone can choose equally between same-sex and opposite-sex marriage, no where in her answer does Prejean explicitly say what she thinks "every state" should or should not do. She makes clear her personal belief (which she is more than entitled to) that she is not in favor of same-sex marriage because "that's how [she] was raised," but fails to make the connection from her personal/individual opinion to state law.

In my eyes her answer was a bad one because it failed to address the question!!!

Hilton had a point when he made a vlog suggesting that she could have answered that it should be up to states to decide for themselves (as they have been this past decade!). However, because of the misogynistic epithets he hurls at Prejean, his focus on the specificity of his question, and the lack of specificity of Prejean's reply is lost.

Well, and I'm not entirely on board with Hilton's explanation that Prejean, in competing for Miss USA should be politically correct and not make her biases known. I think that covert discrimination is potentially more harmful than overt discrimination and hate. Being politically correct does nothing for getting at the root cause of discrimination, but rather presents another layer that actually protects getting at the root causes. If people believe discriminatory things and don't ever have the opportunity to examine those beliefs because they know not to show people that side of themselves, then how will those trying to end discrimination ever have a real, meaningful conversation about oppression with them? Being politically correct is an ugly thing that keeps real dialogue from happening.

Prejean could have better answered the question by saying that the citizens in Vermont and a few other states might have chosen to legalize same-sex marriage, but that she doesn't think that all citizens in the other states would choose the same thing, because in fact she wouldn't, and that the decision should go to the people living in each state (which has been the case in the 42 states that have either constitutional amendments or other laws which restrict marriage to one man and one woman). This way, she gets to state her heterosexst belief, and also give a reply that actually answers Hilton's question.

Then we could enter into a more meaningful discuss of systems of oppression (like heterosexist state laws), rather than getting wrapped up in ad hominem attacks of either Hilton or Prejean. But, then again, the former isn't nearly as sensationalist as the latter, or as apt to boost readership for media!

Here Today

2009-02-12T16:31:00.003-05:00

It's been ages since I last posted, which has been bothering me a little (I tried for so long not to ever skip a whole month!), but right now I'm letting that go.

At first, I don't know if I really knew what my motivation for starting a blog was. Along the way it's served as a good place to think out loud, a place where I felt I could put some of my writings "out there" (since I was holding so tightly, and so closely to writing I was doing for my dissertation), a space where I could both be myself, but also get a look of myself, as well as a strategy of leaving myself breadcrumbs, of sorts, of travels, adventures, and other events in my life.

It's still all that, and more.

In any case, today I saw Linn Meyer's exhibit "Here Today" at UM's Art Gallery. I had learned about the exhibit from the school's newspaper, the Diamondback, and was intrigued by the description of the installation.

I actually came after the gallery's hours were over, but the gallery attendant who was trying to close up was kind enough to let me in with the few others who were still making their way out. A big thanks to her kind act!

I'm glad I saw the exhibit--the detail of the lines, as well as their movement really drew me in at the same time that they left me with an ethereal feeling.

I don't know that I have the words to really describe it, but I certainly enjoyed it. Hope other folks get the chance to experience it too, especially since after its run at the art gallery is done, it'll be destroyed, hence the title, "Here Today"

Like Son

2008-12-08T18:48:00.002-05:00

Pursuing a PhD has left me less time to do a kind of reading I really enjoy. Especially now, it feels wrong to take a day, let alone a few hours, to read something unconnected to my dissertation. But, that's exactly what I did today.

I had picked up Felicia Luna Lemus' latest book, Like Son, shortly after
she and T Cooper were brought to my university for an event, and I had the pleasure of having them both speak in my Intro to LGBT Studies course. Having known Lemus in what feels like a previous life as undergraduate students at the University of California, Irvine, it was a treat to have our paths cross once again.

I won't go on about the book--better literary critics than I have already sung the praises of the book better than I could here. Still, I wanted to share one of my favorite passages here...

Time to get a reality check, Frank—that’s what you’re thinking, right? Point taken, but wouldn’t you freak out a little too if you suddenly realized you were necrophilia? Personally, I’d never thought that particular perversion was my cup of tea, but really, when it comes down to it, isn’t retrospection, sentimental or otherwise, ultimately romancing the dead? I mean, of course it’s important to learn from the past…but I’d spent far too much time coddling what once was and wasn’t and what might have been. Id’ done this in regards to my father, my mother, the life I’d been born into, Nahui, my relationship with Nathalie, everything. Hell, it was probably this very devotion to the past that led me to open my shop. I mean, really, who but a nostalgic fool wants to buy and sell dead people’s things for a living? Point is, I was tired of feeling alternately depleted and sustained by the memories I kept pulsing alive with each breath I took in. I’d had enough. I wanted to get on with my life, unhindered by all the things I’d never be able to recapture or change.

Lemus, Felicia Luna. Like Son. New York: Akashic Books, 2007. 257

Can't wait to see her next book!

World AIDS Day

2008-11-29T16:26:00.002-05:00

World AIDS Day isn't technically until December 1, but given that it's a day dedicated for "individuals and organisations from around the world [to] come together to bring attention to the global AIDS epidemic" seems fitting to mention it regardless of the date.

2008 marks the 20th anniversary of World AIDS Day, and while we have come a long way since 1988, there is still much more to be done.

My students proved this to be true when they couldn't even name the various bodily fluids that can carry HIV, didn't understand why some sexual behaviors were risky ones, and admitted that they knew lots of people who resist getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) including, but not limited to HIV, because "ignorance is bliss."

It seems that attention is still very much needed, as well as some clear, explicit conversation. Often, though, talking with such openness seems to be one of the hardest things for some people to do.

I hope people take this year's World AIDS Day to start and/or keep such coversations going.

The Universe of Keith Haring

2008-11-19T17:34:00.004-05:00

Just like his life, Reel Affirmation’s screening of the film The Universe of Keith Haring was cut too short.

Due to some unspecified technical issue, the end of the film wasn't shown. I'm still bitter.

Hope Reel Affirmations will have things better together next year. :(

Another take on infinity

2008-10-08T14:44:00.001-04:00

Nothing in this universe happens just once...nothing.
Infinity goes in both directions;
there is no unique event, no singular moment

It means you’ll get another chance.

Bones “The Skull in the Desert”

Buddy!

2008-09-19T18:29:00.002-04:00

It’s that time of year again when I need to renew my car’s VA state inspection certification. Last year I had to get two new tires before the technician would okay my car. This year, in preparation, I got another new tire and changed my front wiper blades. (It’s recommended that you change them every six months.)

New wiper blades run about $14-16 each, while refills cost around $4. So, of course I was looking for refills. The service station I got my last oil change at (which I went to because I had a coupon) said that they don’t make refills anymore when I asked if they had any. I looked at the guy and said, “No, they make them. You might not carry them is all.” He said, well, yeah, if I went to an auto part store, then they might have them. Duh.

I can’t believe how some people try to fool others when they think they won’t notice, or don’t know better. It’s really irritating actually.

In any case, I finally made my way to the auto part store. The clerk asked me if he could help me, and I asked for the refills, told him the year, make, and model of my car (so that he could look up the lengths of refills I needed) and a couple of minutes later came back with exactly what I needed. Simple. Easy. And cheap! What’s more, the guy handed me my receipt with a “here you go, buddy!”

I didn’t realize until just then how much I liked being hailed as “buddy.” It was friendly without being too familiar. I wonder what else guys use with each other?

Got Dawn?

2008-09-16T21:29:00.004-04:00

I could use a new dawn about now...

"New Dawn Coming" by Cowboy Junkies

Hold on honey, there's a new dawn coming
And a big bird to sweep you away

Are you born yet? Are you listening?
Are you sick of staring at the walls?

Are you hungry? Are you angry?
Are you wondering if there's anyone at all?

Hold on honey there's a new dawn coming
And a big bird to sweep you away
Keep on dreaming soon there'll be a reason
To see it through one more day

Are you weary? Are you sinking?
Are you tired of holding up the walls?

Are you done with all your thinking?
Have you found that there's no one at all?

Hold on honey there's a new dawn coming
And a big bird to sweep you away
Keep on dreaming soon there'll be a reason
To see it through one more day

Ain't got no answers here
What I see is not clear
Time to shake it around
Turn my world upside down
And watch as the stars come unhinged

Hold on honey there's a new dawn coming
And a big bird to sweep you away
Keep on dreaming soon there'll be a reason
To see it through one more day

Hold on honey there's a new dawn coming
And a big bird to sweep us away
Keep on dreaming soon there'll be a reason
To see it through one more day

Are you born yet?
Are you born yet?

Yay for Seal Press and Susan Stryker!

2008-09-10T15:49:00.002-04:00

Just when it seems like more and more publishers are publishing fewer and fewer books, and even less and less queer titles, Seal Press persists—thank goodness!!

I recently was given the opportunity to review Susan Stryker’s new book, Transgender History.

Having had the chance on a few occasions to hear Stryker speak at various events, and being familiar with other work of hers, I wasn’t surprised by her ability to engage me as a reader, or by the overall readability of Transgender History.

True, when you cram “history” (trans or not) into 153 pages, there are several things that you can focus on, and many other things you cannot. But, as primer/introductory text, Transgender History has a lot to offer.

People will certainly be drawn to the first chapter, “An Introduction to Transgender Terms and Concepts.” While I am much more hesitant to provide my students with readings that present a list of terms and definitions (preferring instead that they encounter them in context, often in contradictory contexts that reveal their nuances), a general reading public will certainly appreciate the way in which Stryker is able to succinctly give them a working understanding of so many terms.

The second chapter, “A Hundred Years of Transgender History” is an amazing condensation of a lot of information. I have previously encountered much of the information that Stryker presents, but to have it all gathered here and in less than thirty pages is a feat! I particularly appreciated Stryker’s attention to the ways in which medical science (and legislation over it) has increasingly played a central role in our everyday lives.

Chapter 4, “The Difficult Decades” highlights Transgender History's usefulness for contemporary Women’s Studies and Gender Studies courses.

Most importantly, throughout the book there is a strong focus on critically analyzing the role of state policies and institutions in controlling those who go against social norms. At times, these moments may be too subtle for novice readers, but the book definitely has a lot to offer.

Check it out for yourself...

Beyond Masculinity

2008-09-10T14:44:00.002-04:00

For the longest time, I primarily taught Women’s Studies courses. When I started teaching in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Studies, I used very few texts written by men, or about gay men. Mostly, I hadn’t found any feminist queer texts authored by men that I thought did more than required texts I already assigned. And, since I was more interested in talking about those groups of people marginalized within queer communities—-women, people of color,etc.—-I concentrated on readings focused on those populations.

Over the years, I’ve found more, and incorporated more such feminist queer texts authored by men into my syllabus. This semester, I am very happily including essays from Beyond Masculinity: Essays by Queer Men on Gender and Politics, edited by Trevor Hoppe.

Not only is Beyond Masculinity available in-full on-line at no charge, but podcasts of many of the essays are also available for download for those who’d rather listen to the authors read their respective essays. These two things make the anthology stand out, especially in this day and age when costs for books and for copyright to reprint articles are increasing, and more and more college courses are being offered solely as on-line courses. Coupled with the content of the anthology, Beyond Masculinity is certainly an exciting text.

True, some essays were more of a hit than others; but, I like the collection as a whole too much to call-out those that fell short for me. Besides, you never know—one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!

I do want to mention a few texts, though:

Joshua Bastian Cole’s essay, “Tarheels and Transfags,” helps broaden the understanding of the spectrum of transpeople’s experiences through the telling of his own story of having been on testosterone for six years, passing as male in everyday life, and not identifying as male.

And, Michael Faris’s “On Being a Queer Man: Radical Feminism and the Need to be an Ally” and Elliot Long’s “Elusive Intersection” should be incorporated into introduction to Women’s Studies courses everywhere.

Thanks to Trevor Hoppe and all the other authors!

If you haven’t seen Hoppe’s own personal website/blog, you are missing out—-http://trevorhoppe.com I definitely look up to how he’s getting research for his PhD done, contributing to published scholarship, and still leading a (seemingly) fun life. You go, boy!

Birthday Travels (cont.)

2008-09-10T12:48:00.005-04:00

Day 3 & 4: All Points West

You really can’t beat a day of lounging in the grass under a blue sky, listening to live music as the sun shines down on you…well, except maybe, with two days of it!

As far as concert venues go, Liberty State Park is certainly a unique site. The journey began with a ferry ride from Manhattan to New Jersey’s Liberty State Park. The Hudson River certainly isn’t the Pacific Ocean, but it was nice to start the day on the water. And, while ferries aren’t stretch limos, it definitely was a distinctive way to travel.

With three stages featuring various artists all day long, there was no shortage of acts to see. In fact, there was a lot of walking back and forth from stage to stage to try and catch as many acts as possible. Highlights include The Roots, Sia dancing in the audience to The Roots’ performance, Andrew Bird, Underworld, and of course, Radiohead. (I might have enjoyed Hillary Duff more if she had actually taken the stage on time…she seemed like the only act that was SO late either day, which meant that she threw the timing off for everyone who followed her!)

All in all, though, definitely a good time! Thank you APW!

Day 5: Henry's

Of course, no visit to New York City would be complete without a trip to the bagel shop. Even better when you take the bagels to go home with you!

Birthday Travels

2008-08-28T20:41:00.007-04:00

I don’t always like traveling, and I don’t always like birthdays, so when the plan for this year’s birthday involved travel, I didn’t quite know what to expect. I don’t know if low expectations helped, but I definitely had a good time.

Day 1: Asbury Park, New Jersey
I have driven through New Jersey on a handful of occasions, but my time in New Jersey had been limited to stopping for gas right off of the turnpike. Wanting to be near, but not in New York City (destination for Day 2), Asbury Park seemed a good pick.

It was a weekday, so there weren’t too many people around. Although, I’m not sure how populated it gets even on the weekends. I got a good price on a room with a king-sized bed at the Berkeley, which is always a good thing. The hotel has just recently gone under some reconstruction, and is still in the middle of more. Their decoration was kind of crazy, the air conditioning in the room never quite got cold, and the shower drained super slow, but being a block from the beach made up for it a little.

The part of the boardwalk nearest the hotel also seemed to be undergoing renovation/restoration, and some new construction, too. The boardwalk itself clearly had new planks, and there were new businesses, as well as some old ones, too. I wonder what the area looked like before...

The weather was gorgeous, and that night there happened to be a fireworks show right at the beach closest to the hotel. They weren’t as big as D.C.’s 4th of July fireworks, but being close make them bigger, sitting on the sand with the waves crashing, and having fresh baked cookies from The Baker Boys definitely heightened the whole experience. Well, and the beer and food from the Irish pub earlier in the evening didn’t hurt!

I had time the next morning for a quick walk on the boardwalk, and breakfast nearby.

Day 2: Slice, Garlic Knots, Waterfalls, & Dinner at Nobu (Next Door)

I admit, I can get pretty pre-occupied/obsessed with food...but when you find a good slice of pizza with some yummy garlic knots, and then have dinner at Nobu, then what’s not to celebrate. Hey, at least I also made time to walk a little of that food off by taking a walk to the Brooklyn Promenade to catch a glimpse of the waterfall installation.

Principle of Least Astonishment

2008-08-28T19:53:00.000-04:00

“The bathroom question,” is a well-known fixture of transgender issues. Transpeople want to be able to use public restrooms in peace and with safety, but transphobia fuels cisgender people’s fears about what might happen (read: what transpeople will do to cisgender people).

Where all these fears around bathrooms come from, I’m not sure. I know of some fears around men in women’s restrooms based in sexual assault attempts, and fear of such assaults. But, the issue seems to go back much further. Or, perhaps what goes back further is the entitlement and privilege of some being asserted over others in material ways through bathroom spaces (e.g., during the U.S.’s Jim Crow era where there were three bathrooms—white men, white men, and “colored”). (There must be some geography/cultural landscape scholarship on this...)

In any case, I had long ago internalized this fear, even before I started identifying as trans. My gender presentation has never really conformed to “woman,” and I learned early on that I could startle women in restrooms. I also learned early on how to compensate/cope—to use the restrooms on campus during class when traffic was minimal, to use out of the way restrooms, to limit my liquid intake and wait until I got to a “safe” bathroom, etc. I also try to follow the principle of least astonishment, and use whichever restroom I think others expect me to use—that is, that will not be a cause for surprise.

The other day, I was at a coffee house in DC and had to use the bathroom. As usual, I waited until there seemed to be a lull in the restroom traffic before I made my approach. The coffee house had two bathrooms, both single-use, and a key was needed to enter. (Why places insist on labeling one bathroom “men” and one “women” when they are single-use, I’ll never understand. True, some can be equipped slightly differently, as in the case when there are urinals in one but not the other, but otherwise they can still be used by either.) The keys were in plain sight by the register, and for the most part, employees pointed the keys out to customers who asked or looked like there were searching, but otherwise, didn’t seem overly concerned with strictly and closely monitoring them. I packed up, quickly walked to the register, and grabbed the key to the women’s room.

Now, I always feel conflicted about which bathroom I use, and I’d prefer to use the one that says “bathroom,” but if they are sex-segregated spaces and other people are around, I usually default to “women” because I don’t think I pass all that well, all my documentation still says “female,” and in my experience they are often a little cleaner.

Imagine my surprise when the employee at the register saw me and said, “not that one,” indicating I had taken the wrong key. He seemed to think I took the women’s key by mistake, and I was really glad that he thought so. A small victory, but I’ll take what I can get.

Burden of Proof

2008-08-28T18:56:00.000-04:00

You’ve got to demonstrate that you’re a part of society and can work and perform just as well as anybody else. (Marisa Richmond, first openly transgender African-American delegate to the Democratic National Convention)

This quotation appears in the Advocate’s recent article, “Pie-in-the-Sky Presidency?” by Julie Bolcer. Moving from Barack Obama’s soon-to-be first ever presidential candidate (and hopefully, the nation’s first black president), the central question posed by Bolcer in the article is “When—and under what circumstances—might an openly gay person move into the Oval Office?” The question isn’t one that’s particularly interesting to me, but it’s one that’s certainly not unexpected. What was unexpected for me, however, was reading Richmond’s quotation above.

I wonder, is everyone, equally, burdened with this task of demonstrating their belonging and worth to society?

I don’t think so.

And, moreover, I highly doubt that the evidence seemed acceptable to prove such a thing would be held consistent for all—that is, what would be sufficient for some would not be sufficient for all.

Maybe I’m a pessimist? Or, maybe I’m just a realist?

Well, and then there’s what Susan Stryker points out in her recently published book, Transgender History:

The state’s actions often regulate bodies, in ways both great and small, by enmeshing them within norms and expectations that determine what kinds of lives are deemed livable or useful and by shutting down the spaces of possibility that imaginative transformation where people’s lives begin to exceed and escape the state’s use for them. (51)

Just makes me wonder about all the recent talk I’ve been hearing about “the American dream,” as if the only thing standing between any one individual and obtaining that dream is only hirself. Given the regulations put upon us by others in society, industries, the state, etc., how can we not know how untrue that is?!

Cheer or Jeer?

2008-08-19T14:28:00.002-04:00

In an Advocate interview (April 22, 2008) with Kimberly Peirce about her second film, Stop-Loss, interviewer Anne Stockwell turned the topic of conversation to masculinity, pointing to Peirce’s fascination with masculinity as an artist. (Considering Peirce’s debut directorial film, Boys Don’t Cry, Stockwell’s observation seems warranted.) After some insights by Peirce about the need for men—trans, biological, gay, and heterosexual alike—to work to perform, and moreover sustain, masculinity in a modern culture in which traditional, stoic masculinity is more and more often being considered insufficient, the conversation took what was for me, an unexpected turn.

Talking specifically about what she characterizes as queer culture’s concern about masculinity, Peirce then goes on to say “You have this whole thing where women who used to be butches now are becoming transsexuals or tranny fags. So a love of masculinity ultimately becomes a love of self becomes wanting to be two men together.”

That Peirce describes transmen as “women who used to be butches,” is slightly disturbing given the history of border wars between FTMs and butches (see Judith Halberstam’s chapter on this in Female Masculinity), and the way that her statement seems to feed into those battles. It’s also an unfortunate statement given the predominance of transmen who have been so adamant that though they may have been born in female bodies, they were never women. Clearly, not all transmen feel this way (I’m still struggling with this myself), and we need to hear more about such diversity within the trans community.

But, that nuanced acknowledgement of trans diversity isn’t what Peirce’s comment was getting at—instead, what she highlights is how transmen identify as gay men after transition because they love masculinity so much that not only do they seek it out for themselves in being men, but also want to partner with men. She never says it, but my impression was that she saw this as a narcissistic love of masculinity extended, and awry.

Are there tranny fags?
Hell yes.

Do some of them love masculinity so much that they not only want to be men, but they want to be with me?
Yes. And why are we so concerned about this? Isn’t this giving into the same oppressive forces that promote homophobia, of gay men and transexual women especially?

Are all transmen gay-identified?
No. So then why single-out gay-identified transmen for their sexuality?

Is a narcissistic love of masculinity the only reason that some trans men are gay?
No. Even if it were, shouldn’t we celebrate self-love, especially living in the context of a heterosexist and homophobic culture?

Is narcissistic love the reason most transmen are gay?
I doubt it. Is there really ever just one reason for anything?

So, what’s the big deal with what Peirce said?
It’s not THAT big a deal...I still put Stop-Loss on my netflix queue, and thought it was a good film, and told others, too. But, it did get me thinking about the interconnections between gender and sexuality...

It used to be that historically there were those who thought that people were “homosexual” (e.g. butch lesbian) because of their “inappropriate” gender display. The theory clearly fell through when considering femme lesbians, though that didn’t prevent femmes from being overlooked and/or ignored for a long time, since they weren’t always acknowledged as “real” lesbians (see Joan Nestle, including one of my favorites, The Femme-Butch Reader: The Persistent Desire). Heck, it was even the case that in the U.S., a post-transition heterosexual was mandated before consent for sexual reassignment surgery was given. And, it’s still true that in some countries today, sex reassignment surgery is being covered by government funding so as to turn “homosexuals” into “heterosexuals,” in keeping with compulsory heterosexual thought. Even trans-identified researchers have made the mistake of assuming the heterosexuality of their trans-identified subjects—that’s what happens under the dominance of compulsory heterosexuality and heterosexism.

So, it’s good to hear about transsexual gay men, to have their existence acknowledged and reflected in media and culture. But, it would have been nice if their sexuality wasn’t made out to be “a love of self,” as if self-love were so bad, and as if same-sex sexuality is only about self-love.

Really, though, maybe my reaction to Peirce’s passing comment about the sexuality of transgender and transsexual people is more about my own interest and theory about how previously gay-identified transpeople cope with passing/identifying as heterosexual post-transition...

Oohh...I smell a new research project...but I guess I should finish the one at hand first!

Wishes

2008-08-19T09:58:00.004-04:00

Wishes shouldn't only be for birthdays, but I think that sometimes we get too caught up in life to remember that. So, I guess it's nice that when birthdays do roll around, we take the time to stop for a second (hopefully, more) to remember.

Unlike last year when I atypically gathered a group people together to help me celebrate my birthday, this year I choose to celebrate more intimately. Don't get me wrong, birthday parties can be fun, but I find they can be a bit overwhelming, too. Not necessarily in a bad way, but overwhelming nonetheless, for someone shy like me.

(My friends never believe me when I say how shy I am...and I guess I don't really blame them. After all, if we consider each other friends, I probably am not as shy around them as I would "normally" be!)

In any case, I had a long, fun birthday week that included travels to New Jersey and New York. (More on those later when I have the pictures to go along with the story.) It started with a birthday card from my mom (which was early, of course) that read:

A Birthday Blessing

Life is change...
this much we know.
We plant a seed,
we watch it grow.
A caterpillar,
small and shy,
Unfurls into
a butterfly.
An acorn falls
so it can be
Transformed into
a sturdy tree.
And so we know
when change arrives
Across the landscape
of our lives,
We still can trust
that it will mean
a special blessing
not yet seen.
As you grow into all
that God has planned
for you this year,
may each day give way
to blessing after blessing.

The best thing about this card was that I read it and thought about its message of change and love. It reminded me how much my mom loves me, and how she would probably be just fine with me being trans, if only I would give her the chance to accept me by telling her. I don't know exactly what stops me from coming out...probably all the other things I'm afraid of that don't really have to do with my parents. Which is why the card I got from a long-time friend was just what I needed, too.

Inside the card reads, "Hope the fun lasts 'til pigs fly!" And she writes, "my birthday wish for you is for all the 'impossibles' out there to be 'possibles.' Have all the cake and happiness you want." Better yet, I just came out to her as trans this past June when I saw her, and she addressed the envelope and the card with exactly the right name. :)

And, I did have both a bunch of cake, and happiness this year. Thanks y'all.

Coffee oreo ice cream cake, even--YUM!

Bring people of color into leadership positions. Duh.

2008-08-17T13:26:00.003-04:00

“Digging for Dollars.” Ran across this article from The Advocate a couple of months ago, and wanted to finally sit down and blog about it. It reports that “Funders for Lesbian and Gay Issues reveals that only 8.8% of all funding for LGBT causes in 2006 went to groups targeting people of color...even though blacks, Latinos, biracial people, and other minorities make up at least one quarter of the U.S. population.” Author Conn Corrigan also goes on to provide us with the fact that out of 19 prominent foundations reviewed, “10 didn’t award a single grant to people-of-color groups that year,” and that in fact “four hadn’t awarded any grants at all to these groups in the preceding five years.”

It’s too bad that Corrigan didn’t name names...maybe then there would be some awareness raised about how Funders could better allocate grants, and how donors could choose better funds to donate to to begin with. By not calling out these 10 groups who aren’t supporting LGBT POC groups, we are complicit in their overlooking of such groups.

And, other than the Astraea Lesbian Foundation for Justice, no other foundation who IS supporting projects by LGBT POC groups is named. How about some much needed kudos for funders like these who are supporting a wider segment of queer communities?

True, we could read the report card ourselves (but then what would we need Corrigan for?)

Corrigan focuses his critique on the composition of the board for foundations, arguing that until boards get people of color into leadership positions, such uneven allocation of grants will continue. More POC leaders could translate into more POC groups receiving funding. But, it’s not just the responsibility of POC leaders to grant funds to POC groups. In fact, without the help of allies, no civil rights movements or groups would ever gain much ground. White LGBT leaders are just as capable of giving grants to POC groups, if they realize the necessity and benefit of doing so. And, it’s not just POC’s responsibility to do this education.

I’ve heard over and over in my life how we should “bring people of color into leadership positions” if we want change. I’m not against such a move, but I am against being complicit with white leadership that continues the status quo despite the need for change. Why would POC want to take leadership in such environments? And, how can we expect POC leaders to succeed given the climate they are entering into?

The answer isn’t ONLY people of color in leadership positions—-the answer is anti-racist work, by ALL.

Brown Paint

2008-08-05T15:42:00.003-04:00

I ran across this "Frazz" comic by Jef Mallett in this past Sunday's paper, and was immediately drawn to it: on one hand because the issue of the lack of diversified racial representation is raised (which is refreshing to see since it seems to be done only a small fraction of the time), and on the other hand because the white character in the comic strip is blatantly oblivious to the lack of racial representation (which is refreshing to see since white privilege like this character demonstrates, isn't often made explicit as it is in this strip). Kudos to Mallett.

On Being a Man, pt. 1

2008-07-17T19:42:00.004-04:00

I want to write a REALLY detailed post about my recent reading of Beyond Masculinity: Essays by Queer Men on Gender and Politics, (which I LOVED) but no time for that now.

One thing that the essays as a body do is to talk about the diverse range of what it means to be a man to different individuals. (Something I knew inside me, but was SO happy to read in print.) Definitely something I need to keep in the foreground of my mind.

Lately I've been preoccupied (in a bad way) by the fact that I wasn't socialized as a boy growing up, and sometimes feel really clueless about how I'm "supposed" to act in certain situations. For example, on my recent (and first ever) trip to Hooters

and my recent experience at Marrakesh, where I found myself in the front row for the belly dancer's show.

In each of these situations, I found myself particular uncomfortable with the display of women's bodies. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE women's bodies, but there was something about HOW they were seemingly on display for men in particular in these instances (definitely more so at Hooters than Marrakesh) that felt odd, and frankly, unpleasant.

As a woman, I loved looking at women's bodies, and did so often, brazenly and without apology. As a man, looking at women's bodies in the same way feels somehow wrong, even when it comes to women's bodies who invite and/or take pleasure in my gaze.

I think what I'm worried about is objectifying women as a man, and the patriarchal sexist power dynamic that objectification supports. True, I probably wasn't objectifying women any less when I was one, but it's not the same.

I don't really have any answers here, but I guess it's a good first step that I'm thinking about it at all...(as long as it's not the last step!)

Trans Pride bling

2008-07-17T19:33:00.003-04:00

I know it's hokey, but I still like rainbow pride bling. Yeah, most of you grew out of the "rainbow phase" after a couple of years...what can I say? For me, it's not a phase! ;)

What I especially like about this chain mail rainbow pride bling that I picked up at this year's SF Trans Pride was the woman's enthusiasm who gave it to me. It was in the true spirit of pride, and I feel lucky to have been able to share in it...and to be buoyed by it, too. Much thanks, Sarah!

3rd of July

2008-07-17T19:00:00.004-04:00

I didn't see any fireworks this 4th of July (not that I even tried to see any). Instead, I took a night trip to the World War II Memorial on the National Mall on the 3rd of July. It was beautiful.

The water element of this national memorial makes it one of my favorites.

What's even better is that at this year's 4th of July Filipino veterans who fought in WWII were able to finally celebrate the U.S. Senate's approval of bill 1315 which provides pensions to Filipino veterans and restores their status as American veterans.

Now on to the House and the President, because there's still work to be done, and the National Alliance for Filipino Veterans Equity can't do it all alone!

Indian Health Care Improvement Act

2008-07-14T18:29:00.006-04:00

This past weekend in DC was the celebration of the end of The People's Walk 2008.

As part of that celebration, The National Indian Health Board, among others, were on the mall in Washington DC trying to raise awareness about the importance of reauthorizing Indian Health Care Improvement Act.

While I wasn't part of the celebration on the National Mall, I learned about this through an acquaintance with whom I've had interesting racial discussions about biraciality and cultural hybridity, immigration, minoritarian community organizing and activism, and coalitional politics.

It is with coalitional politics in mind that I'm posting about IHCIA here, for none of our struggles can be overcome without help from allies.

Here's to hoping people will take the time to educate themselves about IHCIA, and take action to encourage its reauthorization.

Dr. Michael Brownstein Talks Top Surgery

2008-07-06T15:43:00.003-04:00

Can't remember how long ago I came across this youtube.com video where Dr. Michael Brownstein Talks Top Surgery, but figured this would be as good a time as any to share it.

One thing in particular that I liked about this video is that Brownstein talks about how some bigger-chested guys often wait until AFTER top surgery to start testosterone hormone treatment because of the potential dissonance between being big-chested and the secondary sex characteristics that testosterone often entails (e.g., deepening voice, facial hair, fat re-distribution, etc.).

I don't know how many people know/think about this...especially since I seem to be running into lots of folks who can understand someone waiting for surgery because of the high cost, but are less understanding of why that same person might also wait to begin hormone therapy.

I've seen a couple of guys who had Brownstein do their double incision/bilateral mastectomy with nipple-areola reconstruction, and I was pretty impressed with how faint their scars were. They did, however, have "dog-ears."

I've seen a couple of other guys who had Dr. Beverly Fischer do their chests, and while I didn't see any "dog-ears," on them, their scars did seem a bit more evident.

What I haven't seen yet (I hope, because I haven't really looked all that hard) are the surgery/scarring results of trans guys of color. As far as I know people of color more often experience keloids than non-POCs, and generally have skin that heals distinctly than what is thought of as "normal," but is really what is typical for white-skinned people.

When it comes to tattoos, I know that my skin reacts differently than others, and I can't imagine that the same wouldn't be true for surgery. (Anybody know?)

Of course, there are a lot more surgeons than just Brownstein and Fischer, but I think I'm drawn to these two because Brownstein is in San Francisco (where I'm from), and Fischer is in Maryland (really close to where I am).

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

2008-07-02T13:10:00.004-04:00

One of the big business news stories today is that Starbucks announces that it will close 600 stores.

Starbucks has been previously said to be an indicator of economic health--the profitability of the company being in direct relationship to a prospering economy, and vice versa. So, I'm not surprised that the company's announcement of store closures is big news.

I'm more surprised by the celebration by some people of these closings, and the way in which some people have really seen this as a victory over "the corporation." People, these stores and closing because our economy is going to pot--that's no cause for celebration! If you are one of the ones who hate Starbucks, well, that's your prerogative, and yeah, they might be suffering with the recession we're in, but all of us are suffering alongside them, too!

What's also surprising is that these people celebrating these store closings seem to think that Starbucks is only getting what's been coming to them, with total disregard for the 1200 employees that are scheduled to lose their jobs. Industry, corporations, and employees are different entities--interrelated for sure, but distinct nevertheless. It's not only the corporation that's being hurt here, it's 1200 people, too. That, too, hardly seems like cause for celebration.

Sure, Starbucks has its faults, like other corporations, but they haven't been on Fortune's Best 100 Places to Work for list (or Business Ethic's 100 Best Corporate Citizens) in the past for no reason. In all my part-time, hourly paid job experience, Starbucks has by far been the best in terms of hourly starting wage, promotion potential, medical benefits, stock and retirement benefits, corporate social responsibility, etc. They're able to offer these great benefits because they are a big corporation...so until we have universal health care and fix social security (that is, NOT through privatization), I wish people would at least acknowledge the good that comes with the faults.

And finally, let me just say this--people love to hate Starbucks because they think that Starbucks is the big, bad corporation that ate up all the small, independent, local coffee shops. Have some small, independent, local coffee shops closed? Yes. I won't deny it. But, let's not also deny that in the beginning there was one Starbucks (in Pike Place Market), and that it was a small, independent, local coffee shop, or that it grew to be the "big, bad corporation" in the vein of doing good business. Are we saying that we want small, local businesses to be successful, but only limitedly so? (Lest they become too successful and want to expand!)

C'mon people, if you're mad we live in a capitalistic society, I understand. The dependence on a large working class to labor for the profit of those few who own is exploitative. But that doesn't mean that taking down Starbucks does anything for overturning capitalism. So, give the Starbucks bashing a break, and get the more important discussion started and write about anti-capitalist measures.

Be careful with your credit

2008-06-27T12:48:00.003-04:00

It makes sense that unless you've been taught about credit, you probably don't know a lot about it.

And who teaches us about credit?

I think I learned about credit mostly from reading the fine print of credit card applications and account statements. And who really ever reads those things that closely? (Score one for attention to detail, aka anal retentiveness.)

My family was always a cash family growing up. Using cash is a good thing in the sense that it prevents running up credit card debt. But, using cash can work against you in the sense that you don't build up a good credit history, which can make getting credit harder in the future.

Of course, while having credit and using it responsibly to build a good credit history, you can always err on the extreme of having too much credit. Too much credit liability (the amount, or credit line, that banks extend to you) is actually a bad thing because it means you present a risk of getting into more debt than you are actually able to handle. (For example, credit card companies will gladly extend you $8000 in credit even if you tell them you only make $10,000 a year.)

And, all debt is not created equal. Credit card debt is one of the worse kinds of debt to have, even if you keep up with payments and paying off your entire balance. Paying off student loans and car loans, on the other hand, work to better build your credit score by showing that you are capable of consistently making payments.

But, if you are going to have credit card debt, then for goodness sakes, don't have department store credit cards--go for visa, mastercard, discover, or american express. Store credit cards often seem like really good deals, especially when stores offer a 20% discount on the purchases you make the day you sign up for the card. But, their interest rates are often twice as much, and often even more, than non-store-affiliated cards. I used to think that I could just open a card at a department store to use the discount and then when I got the bill, pay it off and cancel the card. This strategy gets you a discount, but it also weakens your credit score because of the fleeting nature of your credit history. Staying with one or two companies for a longer amount of time is much better than getting new cards every year for building up good credit history.

And you all know that making the "minimum payment" required by companies will never get you out of credit card debt, right? The minimum payment just makes credit card companies richer because you pay them more interest. So, always pay off as much as you can, and ideally keep your balances at zero.

Okay, so why the rant about credit?

I was watching a couple of transguys videos on youtube.com and they were talking about putting their top surgery on their credit cards, and/or having such bad credit that they weren't able to.

I know plenty of guys who have done just this, and if that's your choice, then so be it. But, being an older transman, as much as I'd like surgery, I just can't put myself in that kind of risky financial position. I may be overly cautious here, or just too practically minded. I'm trying to find a balance, because I'm beginning to feel like people around me are wondering more and more why I haven't started taking hormones yet, and why I haven't set a surgery date. (I'm still trying to get the point across that there are many different ways of being trans, but it's VERY slow going.)

True, I could do like some other guys I know and stop going out, be really good about saving all my money, and get a second/third job to get enough cash together. From what they told me, it was hard, but they did it because they felt it would be worth it in the end. I like enjoying my present life, even though I'm looking forward to other things in the future, too. I just don't think I could give up that much now--reminds me of that story of how if you have one foot in the future, and one in the past, all you do is piss on the present. I love so many things about my present, and I want to enjoy it to the fullest, and that means spending some money now, even if that means I can't save as much as fast for later.

Who knows how I'll feel six months or a year from now, though...

In the mean time, if you are interested, go get your free credit report at https://www.annualcreditreport.com/, where it's actually free (instead of other websites that make you sign-up for stuff that isn't free to get your free credit report).

On a Clear Day

2008-06-27T03:15:00.005-04:00

On a clear day,
rise and look around you,
and you'll see who you are.

On a clear day,
how it will astound you
That the glow of your being outshines every star.

You'll feel part of every mountain,
sea and shore,
You can hear from far and near a word you've never heard before.

On a clear day,
on a clear day,
you can see forever,
and ever, and ever more.

It's not the foggiest city in the world, but there really aren't clear days in Daly City...

Still, there's something about being at Fort Funston that makes me feel all that the song describes.

SF Trans March

2008-06-26T17:07:00.004-04:00

Looking forward to attending my 2nd SF Trans Rally and March tomorrow!

Back "home"

2008-06-25T18:40:00.006-04:00

I'm back in the San Francisco Bay Area after a two year absence--back "home" in Daly City.

It's always such a weird experience being "home"--keeping up with the changes in the nieces and nephews as they've grown (and, been born) since my last visit; joining/disturbing the routine of the house; going to old hangouts and haunts, some which have stayed exactly the same, others which are almost unrecognizable; experiencing both belonging and not belonging constantly.

I will always like, though, the feeling of being around so many other Filipinos. I like the sea of brown faces I get to see all around me, and the concert of tagalog, taglish, and Filipino accented-English conversations I get to hear.

Maybe I’m actually learning to let go?

2008-06-21T19:56:00.001-04:00

“Letting go” is certainly a topic I’ve touched on before here (want to know more, use the search function at the top of the page to search for “letting go”). Apparently, it’s a reoccurring theme (nightmare?) in my life. Perhaps something I’m bound to repeat until I finally get it “right.” Karma, reincarnation, etc...however you try to make sense of it, I may yet be getting there, as slow as the case may be.

It’s been almost a year and a half now since I came out as trans-identified. Some things haven’t changed (still non-ho and non-op), but others have (the name I go by, the pronouns I prefer, and the amount of work I put into trying to be understood and recognized as I’d like to be).

I was talking with a friend a while ago about how I thought, as transmen who were relatively new in coming out as trans, that we’d soon enough find ourselves changing in ways we didn’t expect and/or want to in order to be acknowledged for the men we saw ourselves as. He strongly disagreed, saying how much he didn’t want to be anything other than who he is, even if that meant being a different kind of man than most other men.

I wish I had his conviction, and his ability to follow through.

One of the things I never expected when it came to how people around me read gender is the significance of earrings. Coming from communities in California that are no strangers to body modifications, both in the form of tattoos and body piercings, I never understood earrings to be gendered as feminine, especially since I had long ago stretched my ears and wore relatively large-gauged jewelry.

In the context of California communities I inhabited, I don’t think such jewelry would be about gender, but about other cultural markings, but here in the DC area, earrings seemed to consistently be the telling sign to others that I was assigned a girl at birth.

When reading Jamison Green’s chapter “Body of Knowledge” in his book Becoming a Visible Man with my Introduction to LGBT students, we began discussion by talking about the things that we all do to gender ourselves in particular ways. Students, of all genders, specified earrings as something they did to display their femininity.

In that moment, I felt defeated.

I went home and took my earrings out (and other body jewelry), and haven’t put them back in since.

(It felt more traumatic than how simple/neutral it seems seeing it in print here.)

And, sad to say, the lack of earrings does seem to have a positive effect in being recognized more often as a man. (More on when I pass and when I don’t later.)

One of my female co-workers with stretched ears noticed that I hadn’t been wearing my earrings and lamented at the loss of them. My loss, though, has turned into her gain.

After more than a dozen years of accumulating body jewelry, I finally parted with them just a couple of days ago, when I passed them onto her for her birthday.

It was actually really hard. She had wanted them for some time, but I just wasn’t ready to part with them. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to them—ready to succumb to people’s gendered notions that earrings are feminine. But in the end, it wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight anymore. There are so many battles I feel like I’m fighting right now, I just couldn’t keep fighting for the gender neutrality of earrings. And, with this past Friday having been her birthday, it seemed good timing and a good occasion to finally let go, and I did just that.

I hope she enjoys them as much as I have, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss them. Still, it’ll be nice to see them “live on” with/through her. I definitely couldn’t imagine just throwing them away even if I wasn’t ever going to wear them again, not with a value of over $300, so here’s to being green, and recycling and reusing!

Brooklyn Museum

2008-06-18T19:22:00.004-04:00

Went to see the Takashi Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum last month.

I didn't really know what to expect, never having seen his work before, but it was pretty cool. I enjoyed the large scale of his "canvas" work, and thought the sculptures were fantastic, especially the Second Mission Project ko. His jellyfish eyes and mushrooms were interesting, but I think the images of his alter ego, DOB, were by far my favorite.

The bonus was that upon waiting to enter the Murakami exhibit, I realized that the Brooklyn Museum is the permanent home of Judy Chicago's The Dinner Party. It was something I used to teach about in my "Women, Art, and Culture" course. I never expected that I'd see it in person, though, so I'm glad I did have the opportunity.

Yay for the Brooklyn Museum!

Good Eats

2008-06-18T19:03:00.003-04:00

I'm a poor student, but certainly not a starving one. In fact, when it comes to my budget, and where I choose to spend my money, food is certainly an area where I splurge.

Case in point, my last trip to New York City included dinner at Nobu. And, it wasn't just any old Nobu dinner (as if any dinner there were ordinary!), but rather extra-ordinary because I was having the Omakase, a multi-course chef's choice special. And let me tell you, it was more than delicious! And, despite my controlling/planning-oriented self, it was delightful to wait and see what each successive course would be.

Now that's saying something.

And, if the food weren't enough, our party of two was seated at a table for four, which really, seems unheard of at a place like Nobu, unless you're a star like Denzel Washington, who, by the way, was seated just next to us (with Washington in full view of me).

(we were seated along the the windows, on the left)

What a wonderful evening!

Candle 79 Coffee Rocks!

2008-06-18T18:48:00.002-04:00

I'll be the first to admit, I'm a planner. So, wandering around to see what's there, is something I don't often do--especially when it comes to food. (Trust me, when I get too hungry, it's not pretty.)

But, on my last trip to New York City, on my way to the Skarstedt Gallery to see an exhibit of Keith Haring's works (which I never did get to see since the gallery was closed), I was fortunate to stumble upon Candle 79.

Honestly, it was relatively early on a Saturday morning (11ish), and for a city as big as NYC, the streets were pretty quite, and after wandering for a while trying to find a place to eat, I thought I might just have to give up and go to Starbucks.

In fact, I was crossing the street to get on the same side as the Starbucks when I glimpsed Candle 79. The menu was full of interesting things (too many, perhaps), and while I wasn't ecstatic about what I eventually chose, I liked it well enough then, and well enough now to write about it.

What I will rave about, however, is their coffee. It was SO good, I sat there and had as many cups as my stomach could stand (maybe even more!). I wish I knew what it was...I still dream about it!

Celebrating Keith Haring

2008-06-17T19:58:00.004-04:00

This past May 4th would have been the 50th birthday of Keith Haring, if he were still living today.

I can't even begin to imagine the art that he might have produced, and the other work he might have done, if his life hadn't been cut so short by AIDS.

In addition to the party, and other AIDS fundraisers, held to celebrate his life, the Skarstedt Gallery in NYC is having an exhibit (until June 28) of a collection of his works.

I was SO disappointed that on my most recent trip to NYC over Memorial Day weekend, the gallery was closed! I had it all planned out: traveled into Manhattan from Brooklyn, started the day off with breakfast/brunch, only to come upon the closed door of the gallery. There was nothing on the gallery's website OR their voicemail OR their door to even indicate that they were taking the long-weekend off. :(

So instead, later that day I headed to SOHO to see the mural recreated at Houston and Bowery by The Keith Haring Foundation, in cooperation with Deitch Projects and Goldman Properties.

It was definitely cool to see the mural, even if it was a recreation. Besides, one of the things that I love about Haring was his philosophy that art should be for everyone--accessible to everyone in every way, including through such reproductions. (Still, I can't wait for the next time there's a Haring exhibit I can get to!)

I want to believe

2008-06-12T19:50:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine is scheduled to teach a course titled “Sexuality and Cyberspace” this coming fall. She flattered me by asking for my current “Introduction to LGBT Studies” syllabus because she wants to make her course a defacto introduction to lgbt and queer studies. I know that my current syllabus won’t be of any help to her, but it’s very exciting to think about what materials would be useful in such a class.

One of the things that came to my mind immediately is the presence of transpeople on the internet, in terms of the amount of information that is available on-line, but more so the on-line communities and support systems that have been created.

In particular I’ve been thinking about youtube.com and all the transguys videos’ that I’ve been able to see. There’s a sense of guys making videos to document things for themselves, but the larger sentiment is that they are offering themselves, their stories, for others. This has been such a gift for me, and many others.

I applaud these guys’ willingness and courage to offer such intimate parts of themselves to no one in particular, and everyone at the same time.

I wish I had the same courage.

But, whenever I think about what my first video might be, the little courage I have is weakened.

Most guys’ first video seems to follow the convention of, “Here’s what I look like and sound like after ‘x amount of time’ on T.” Much of the documentation that youtube provides in regards to transpeople is specifically one about physical changes over time.

I’m reminded of Loren Cameron’s book Body Alchemy, and how he used his photography to document the physical changes in his body as he transitioned—for himself, for his family, his friends, his community. It’s powerful stuff, being witness to such striking (physical) change.

Seeing is believing.

So then, what does that mean for what we can’t see?

I want to believe that there’s a place in the trans community for non-op, non-ho transpeople. I KNOW we exist…I just don’t know for how long any of us can survive.

One of these days, though, I’ll have the courage to make my video...and it’ll start, “this is how I look, and how I sound, being the non-ho, non-op transman that I am.”

All of Me

2008-06-12T18:48:00.002-04:00

The moment that I came out to another person as trans is still very clear in my mind.

I was talking to a friend who had just come out to me as trans, and he asked whether or not what he had been telling me was out there, ridiculous, and shocking. I remember feeling very calm and telling him, “no, because I feel the same way.”

His coming out to me was the community, encouragement, and support I needed to further explore how I had been feeling. It wasn’t the first time that I had ever talked to someone about having trans feelings, but it was the first time I claimed the identity as my own.

Since then, I feel like I’ve been fighting to get others to recognize and acknowledge that I identify as trans.

Telling people hasn’t proven entirely effective...I don’t know if this is because I haven’t told everyone, and so those I have told don’t feel it’s “real enough.” Mostly I think it’s because I haven’t started hormone therapy, and haven’t had surgery, so people haven’t “seen” any changes, and so don’t recognize me as anything other than the “woman” they knew.

I’d love to have top surgery (aka double mastectomy). Give me $8000, time off of work to recuperate, someone to take care of me post-op, and a guarantee that my status as a naturalized U.S. citizen won’t in any way be jeopardized, and I’m there.

But, in light of being over $20,000 in debt in school loans, and working two jobs only to live paycheck to paycheck, I don’t see surgery as a financial possibility in the near future.

Hormones would certainly be more immediately affordable. And, given the amount of change (masculinization) that testosterone would likely have on me, it certainly seems like an attractive course of treatment. But, I don’t know enough about the long-term effects of testosterone, and I just don’t feel comfortable enough to subject my body to that at this moment.

If I could get people to recognize me as a transman with my body as-is, that would be ideal. I just don’t know if I’m willing to do things that I’m not ready for, just to have that. I guess eventually things will get to the point where I’ll feel like I HAVE to do things that right now I don’t think are necessary.

I’m beginning to realize that I’ll need to do a lot that I don’t want to, and that I will lose people, ties, etc. that have meant a lot to me on this journey.

It’s cruelly ironic, actually--I come out as trans thinking that I’ll finally get to be more myself, only to find that I becoming who I want means having to give up so much of who I am and have been.

I used to criticize how the recommended treatment for transsexuals involved transpeople’s disavowal and distancing of their pasts. Now I’m seeing the value of disappearing the old me in order to have the new me recognized.

The sad thing is that it’s ALL me.

---------
I’m reminded here of the 1999 film, All of Me, starring Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin, and of course the title song.

“All of Me” by Diana Ross (from the album Diana Ross & The Supremes: The No. 1’s)

All of me
Why not take all of me
Can’t you see
I’m no good without you

Take my lips
I want to lose them
Take my arms
Ill never use them

Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on, dear, without you

You took the part
That once was my heart
So why not take all of me

Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on, dear, without you

You took the part
That once was my heart
So why not take all of me

First there are firsts, but eventually there are lasts

2008-06-10T19:14:00.003-04:00

So, it's been AGES since I last posted. I just haven't sat down to do it...partly because of time (and spending it working and/or with people instead of at my computer alone), partly because I've been letting thoughts marinate, and partly because there's so much that I really want to blog about that's SO serious that I just haven't "gone there."

I still don't know that I'm ready to "go there" right now (are any of us really ever ready for it?), but I guess I should try...

In my last post, one theme was "firsts." I realized last night that eventually with firsts there come lasts...(again, for better or worse).

This week we are celebrating DC's Capital Pride 2008. For the past several years, I've celebrated pride with the local queer asian women's group, APIQS. And, in all honestly, some of the best prides that I've had here in DC have been with the women of APIQS--celebrating alongside of them gave me the feeling of community and belonging.

Last night, I joined them once again in order to prepare for this year's upcoming pride festivities.

Admitedly, it did take me a LONG time before I came out to any fellow members that I was trans-identified, but I DID still do it. They seem to have adjusted to my name change, but definitely haven't gotten the hang of the male pronouns I prefer. And, last night, it seemed as if I was just "one of the girls."

It actually made me kind of sad inside.

Sad because I felt invisible as a transman.

Sad becuase I began to realize the differences and distances between queer women and queer men.

Sad because I no longer felt like I belonged, or that they were my community.

Sad because I don't think I can continue to be a member (or an active one, anyway).

I'm glad the group seems to be doing well through its leadership change, and that there seems to be an increase in member's energy and activity. I think groups like this are important; even though lots of non-API queer women might be excluded to some degree, I've always felt safe space (necessarily segregated at times) is important.

What's hard to deal with are the ways in which this group still does feel like my community (it'll forever be a part of my past), while at the same time coming face to face with the ways that it's not.

We may co-sponsor things with the men's group, AQUA (A/PI Queers United for Action), but there is certainly a sex and gender divide.

I fear losing this racial community as I embrace more fully my transness.

But, for now, for the sake of pride, I plan on enjoying this last pride with the sisters of APIQS as much as I can...

Radiohead: Rain or Storm

2008-05-16T11:20:00.003-04:00

Some firsts you never forget (for better or worse)...

This past Sunday I experienced a few firsts...my first time attending a concert at the Nissan Pavillion, my first time seeing Radiohead perform live, and my first time weathering not just rain, but an outright storm to see a performance.

As far as the Nissan Pavillion goes, I've only been to a small handful of venues here in the DC area, but it is so far my least favorite one. The drive out there is no fun, not even for me starting in Virginia. To be honest, I didn't get to see much of the venue--traffic there was so bad that by the time we parked Radiohead had already started, and we ran right to our seats. So, in all honesty, I didn't get a chance to look around the venue itself or admire the surrounding sights. Still, I know that leaving the venue meant far worse than the usual after-concert traffic. After we finally got out of the parking lot almost two hours after we pulled out of our space, I couldn't even tell where we were being routed. I got home in the end, at least.

As far as Radiohead goes, they were AWESOME live. Their musicianship is even more amazing live than on their albums, and they put on a good show. I'm no music critic, so I'll leave that to the experts. From a purely novice point of view, though, I was plenty entertained, and certainly excited for the two more opportunities I'll get to see them perform this summer.

When it comes to weathering a storm for a performance, I know I was one of the "lucky" ones in so far as I was able to get into the venue and see the show at all. I've never seen such loyal fans, but they definitely made the experience a memorable one--to see their joy and ecstacy in the midst of the storm and deluge is a testament to their respect of Radiohead.

I may be learning to appreciate Radiohead a bit late, but better late than never, right?

PS. Kudos to Radiohead, too, for their work with MTV to raise awareness about and move towards ending human explitation and trafficking for labor and sex slavery. See more at www.mtvexit.org

From Queer as Folk

2008-05-15T15:41:00.002-04:00

A quotation I had taken note of. Maybe some context later...

It's not lying if they make you lie, if the only truth they can accept is their own.

Virtual Therapy (session 2)

2008-04-24T13:37:00.002-04:00

Some transpeople will unnecessarily cut themselves off from their families because they are fearful of confronting them or guiding them through the transition. Family members may be the most difficult to approach because losing them would be the greatest loss, so we impose that loss on ourselves rather than have it visited upon us.

(Jamison Green, Becoming a Visible Man 127)

So...last week I totally freaked out when it was suggested to me that I should really work on coming out as trans to more people (specifically, my roommate, graduate advisor, and parents). There was definitely a bit of a melt-down.

A week has gone by since, and I’m finally feeling calm about it.

As far as my roommate is concerned, I barely see him or speak to him, it just feels strange to tell him something so personal (I don’t even think he knows when my birthday is, or really anything about me.) I don’t feel any particular investment in him knowing; I’m rather confident that when I move out I won’t keep in contact with him. True, we’ve been living together for two-and-a-half years, but we’ve always been roommates, never really friends. That he knows me and calls me by the name that I used when I first moved in doesn’t phase me-—it’s a sign of my past, which I don’t deny.

When it comes to my advisor...honestly, I’m a little tired of all the “life” that’s “gotten in the way” these past years. She has said to me before that life happens, and has always been understanding of that. I’m pretty sure that she would take the news of my being trans in stride, but really, right now I don’t want to talk to her about anything. I want to just hide out in my basement and get some drafts of chapters to her, and then emerge. Seeing her and talking with her is making me feel anxious about the fact that I still haven’t finished my dissertation-—and thoughts of transitioning seem so insignificant in comparison.

In terms of my parents, well, I’ve been meaning to write them a letter-—not necessarily one I would send them (maybe for my next virtual therapy session?). I came out to them as queer in a letter (which they then answered in a letter), and that’s all that’s ever been said about that. So, when it comes to thinking about talking to them about me being trans, I can’t imagine it. I was so uptight when I came out to them because all I heard growing up was how much my mom wanted to have a girl, and how they tried and tried and tried, until I finally came along (fifteen years after my oldest brother).

I already feel like I disappointed them when I told them I’m queer, to tell them I’m trans, too, just seems like too much. They are getting older and their health isn’t what it used to be. I know they still worry about me (about if I’ve eaten, and if I have money, etc.). They probably always will worry about me since I’m their kid, and they see it as their responsibility as parents to make sure I’m okay. I love them for that, and will always look at all they’ve done and continue to do for me fondly because I know how many personal sacrifices they’ve made for me. Still, I feel ungrateful when I don’t make similar sacrifices.

And honestly, being trans sure feels like a selfish privilege sometimes. I’ve told friends that I could probably live out my life the gender I was assigned at birth. I’ve also told them that I don’t think I’d be as happy, but that I could likely endure it. I’ve endured so much already, it’s hard for me to imagine that I couldn’t just keep at it. (I was certainly self-destructive in my past, but not having succeeded in doing myself in, I know now that I can put up with a lot and get by on the bare minimum.) Would I be fulfilled as I could? Certainly not. (Well, and let’s not forget that there are lots of people that I do come out to as trans! Don’t I get any partial credit?)

I’ve known people in the past who felt they were destined to do something BIG in their life. I’ve always hoped that I would do some good in my time. Does this speak to an issue of low self-esteem on my part? I don’t think so. The way I’ve experienced my gender, sex, class, immigration status, and birth order haven’t been conducive to a sense of entitlement. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. I don’t want to sell myself short, but at the same time I always feel the weight of practicality on my shoulders. Too much of a pragmatist and not enough of a dreamers? Perhaps.

I will try to dream a little more (without losing sight of all that I can do).

Asheville, NC

2008-04-24T12:21:00.004-04:00

It’s been so long since spring break, I can’t even remember how long ago it was!

I could look it up on my calendar, but frankly, I’m too lazy. Still, I wanted to share a little bit of how I spent my spring break this year.

With only a little advanced planning (i.e., looking at http://www.romanticasheville.com/), and no particular reason, I journeyed to Asheville, North Carolina.

It was actually SO much fun. The shops downtown were full of character, and you could wander practically everywhere on foot. Best of all were all the pubs and all the beer! I’d definitely go again and make sure that I could see the local brewery, French Broad Brewery. ;)

Some of the highlights:

(The bus had free wi-fi!)

Work Smarter

2008-04-24T12:06:00.000-04:00

I’m totally counting down the days until the last day of class. I love teaching, and always miss it when I’m not in the classroom, especially in the summer. But right now, I’m looking forward to getting away.

I think I’m particularly disheartened because the last couple of weeks I’ve had so many students complaining about their grades. They didn’t take the time to see me the first half of the semester when they were getting B’s on their writing assignments, but they’re becoming indignant that they’re not getting A’s even though they are trying hard and doing the work. (Unfortunately for them they’re trying harder, but making the same mistakes over and over.) They don’t get that they need to work smarter, not just harder.

The effort that they put into the class is evident, and I don’t take that for granted, nor does it go totally unrewarded. Still, when the assignment asks you to do particular things that you don’t do, regardless of the effort that you put in, you haven’t earned an A. And, so many of these students look at B’s (even B+’s) like they might as well be F’s.

School and getting good grades was always important to me, so I’m not unsympathetic. It’s just so frustrating that instead of coming to talk with me during office hours to review their papers and my comments, they want to just blame me and whine about how what I want them to do in their papers is either so unlike everything they’ve done before (and therefore unreasonable), or just too picky.

They’ve lost sight of what it means to learn because they’re too focused on grades. One student even said to me that she feels like she’s learning a lot, but that none of that matters if she’s not getting an A.

Really, is this what education in our society is coming to?

*sigh*

Actually, several students did come to see me early in the semester to talk about their performance in my class, and since then have noticeable improved. I need to remember that and not let these few skew my view.

In Rainbows Widget

2008-04-07T09:32:00.001-04:00

I haven't really made the time to blog lately, and I'm feeling totally bummed about that. But, rather than beat myself up about it, I thought I'd put a little place-holder post here. There's so much I want to write about that
listening to this album reminds me of.

So, until I get on with those, here's a little inspirational and motivational music for thought.

Let the dog stop to poop!

2008-03-22T16:24:00.002-04:00

As I was parking just a minute ago, I saw a person crossing the street with a small poodle puppy following behind. The puppy looked to be walking a bit strangely, as if on tip toe. Then I noticed that the dog was pooping as it was walking across the street!

Perhaps this is just what puppies do? But still, I would hope one would notice and let the dog stop to poop! (Needless to say, there was no scooping either!)

Here's to paying attention and noticing the small stuff!

My quest for Windows Movie Maker (some things are easy, some are not)

2008-03-11T17:49:00.003-04:00

I've been watching a bunch of youtube videos lately--mostly of other transguys. It's been particularly great hearing their stories and experiences of transition.

While I doubt I'll be making my own video any time soon, I did want to have the ability to do so. Already armed with a webcam and microphone, all I needed was the software.

Easier said than done.

It took me ages to figure out what software would actually help to me "capture" video from my hardware. Then, it took even longer to try and find software that I could download for free that wasn't on some limited time trial. I finally settled on Microsoft Windows Movie Maker.

But then I spent more time than I should have today trying to find where I could download Microsoft's Windows Movie Maker for Windows XP. I thought I could get it directly from Microsoft! However, while they do offer a bunch of Windows Media Downloads, including creative packs that work with Windows Movie Maker, the only version of Movie Maker itself they have available (that I could find) was the Windows Vista version.

Finally, I found Windows Movie Maker 2 available through Download.com Just wanted to post about it here in case others were searching too--in the hopes that this would give them a good chance of finding their way to it faster than I did!

For others, for ourselves

2008-03-11T15:15:00.001-04:00

Taking on the responsibility of maintaining a support network for others at just the right time when I could use one myself seemed like a ridiculous thing to do. (Jamison Green, Becoming a Visible Man, 67)

This wasn’t one of the quotations from Jamison Green’s book, Becoming a Visible Man, that I initially put on my list of quotations to blog about, but when I ran across it again the other day, I felt compelled to revisit it.

This quotation comes up in Green’s book as he is writing about Lou Sullivan’s presumption that Green would be taking over the FTM International Newsletter following Sullivan’s long-time leadership. Green stresses how much struggle and turmoil he is facing in his own life as he questions how suitable it is for him to take on the responsibilities for the newsletter. What he eventually realizes is that he has so much to offer, and that that doesn’t preclude his own needs for the help and support of others.

I’m actually reminded of my high school track coach, Mr. Turner, who said to us that the day when we feel most like not being at practice is the most important day to be at practice. He was trying to teach us the importance of showing up, of believing in our abilities, and of persevering.

It is often amazing to realize what we can do when we set out to accomplish a goal, and even more so when we simply set out to get through the day and come out with so much more.

I’m so thankful for all those who have stepped up, whether they felt ready to answer the call or not, to be in leadership positions. I hope they know what a difference they have made in so many of our lives. May we all return their investment in us to others in the future.

To the Love of Family

2008-03-04T21:42:00.001-05:00

Whether we are men, women, or in between, we are always engaged in a social process of being accepted by others as well as ourselves. We [end page 120] form cultural agreements about what is recognizable and acceptable as masculine, feminine, and androgynous, we decide where our comfort zone is for ourselves, and then we form friendships with people who accept us for who we are and with whom we enjoy spending our time.
(Jamison Green, Becoming a Visible Man 120-121)

Because no one is an island (although many of us try to be) the society we live in, the company we keep, does have much significance in our lives. It’s true, we are all a part of “society,” and yet, at the same time “society” encompasses such a wide realm that those of us who find themselves on the outside of “mainstream society” often have to remind ourselves of the power and immense potential we have.

I’m one of the lucky queers who wasn’t ostracized by family when I came out to them...and yet I still haven’t come out to them as trans. I have no reason to suspect that they’d be anything but accepting, even if in that silent Asian way, but still the fear wins out.

I look to other transpeople I know and their family’s reactions and am emboldened.

I have no doubt that my parents love me, and that what they want is that I am happy, healthy, and safe. They, like a lot of immigrant parents, have sacrificed so much in the hopes that I will have more opportunities available to me, and ultimately a better life (than they had/have available to them?). They continue to lead their lives in this way that thinks always of the next (and even the one after that) generation. For some this might seem like a lot, but my parents always made it seem like the minimum they could/should do as parents. Like I said, I’m one of the lucky ones.

But family isn’t only about who raised us and cared for us.

Along with so many other queers, I have had the fortune to form chosen families. Just as Jamison Green’s quotation above states, “we form friendships with people who accept us for who we are and with whom we enjoy spending our time.” These friendships have been so important to me throughout my life; I only wish that all those who I have counted among these friends know the positive impact they’ve had on me.

Many of these friends continue to be important in my life today, and some I love as family. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them without a second thought. What I hope they know is that that attitude is as much about me loving them as it is about me honoring their love for me.

Thank you.

YouTube find #1

2008-03-04T19:03:00.003-05:00

I've only begun to explore YouTube very recently. LOTS of stuff there, some better than others.

Ran across this, and while I'm not normally a starfucker, thought this was interesting enough to share. (Especially because I don't think many non-Filipinos in the U.S. realize the "famous" Filipinos in U.S. pop culture/entertainment.)

What’s In a Name?

2008-02-24T21:08:00.002-05:00

Most of us educated in the U.S. (and many beyond) have at one time or another been subjected to William Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet, and Juliet’s (in)famous query, “What’s In a Name?”

I’ve been asking myself the very same question for quite some time now. Like many other transmen, I’ve come to find that the name my parents gave me at birth is no longer an adequate signifier.

Some transmen have negotiated this situation by changing the spelling of their birth name while retaining its phonetic pronunciation. Others have chosen names which have little resemblance to their birth names, but resonate loudly with their self-identities. Many of us use initials and/or middle names. There is no one right method of negotiation, and in fact, there are as many methods as there are men out there in this situation (and more new ones created all the time).

Still, I’ve found myself continuing to grapple with the question, and more so, to resent Juliet’s answer.

Yes, she does put it out there that she’ll “no longer be a Capulet,” suggesting that she’d refuse her name, but all in all, it seems to me that she instead stresses Romeo’s relinquishment of his name.

She says to Romeo, “refuse thy name,” recognizing that doing so means that he must deny his father. And still, she plays it off as if it’s a small request. (In her world, love is tantamount, after all.)

Later she asserts that, “'Tis but thy name that is my enemy:/ Thou art thyself, though not a Montague,” making clear that his family name is of no significance, not only to her personally, but even to who he is.

It’s true, “that which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet,” and similarly other aspects of ourselves would remain the same regardless of our name.

But, for some of us, our names are not mere labels. They reflect familial relations, cultural histories and heritages, and community belonging.

My birth name is one such name—-given to me by my grandmother, a reflection of my culture, race, and religion, including but not limited to the history of Spanish colonization of the Philippines.

Unlike Romeo, whose name becomes hateful to himself, I cannot imagine giving up my birth name, inadequate a signifier as it may be for me currently. I wish I could explain to others that this isn’t a reflection of not being “trans enough,” but rather of needing to not give up important parts of myself in order to be recognized as my self.

Sounds good, right?

Well, as with many other things, easier said than done. Using initials has (not surprisingly) led to the question of what they stand for and/or simply been unintelligible to others.

Perhaps if I wore a name tag all the time…or, maybe it’s just time for a new tattoo…

Romeo and Juliet

Act 2, Scene 2

Juliet.
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, (35)
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Romeo.
[Aside.] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Juliet.
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy:
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, (40)
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name.
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, (45)
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

Romeo.
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptis'd; (50)
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

Juliet.
What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night,
So stumblest on my counsel?

Romeo.
By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, (55)
Because it is an enemy to thee.
Had I it written, I would tear the word.

Ties That Bind

2008-02-24T15:58:00.001-05:00

The Girl Scouts of America have a song about friends:

Make new friends but keep the old,
One is silver and the other gold.

A circle's round, it has no end,
That's how long I want to be your friend.

The song certainly conveys a nice sentiment, and one I’ve subscribed to myself.

Sentiments, however, can be like good intentions…

Over the years I’ve made and lost many friends, and others who were more than just friends. Some endings came too soon, others not soon enough; nevertheless, they are all still losses of one sort or another, all bittersweet in their own way.

I continue to be amazed, however, at the ways in which the ties that bind us together arise—over the years, across the states, through divergent life paths…

Recently I’ve had several encounters that attest to the power of these ties that bind (it’s a small world after all). Bridges burned and rebuilt—some temporarily, others less so, but not necessarily any less tenuous.

The way forward may be paved by our past, but I wonder, when does the feeling of being haunted end, or if it ever does?

Virtual Therapy (session 1)

2008-02-12T12:56:00.001-05:00

I have this running list of quotations that resonate different aspects of how I feel about my trans identity. I keep meaning to blog about them, but never seem to get around to it.

At first, I figured it was just because I was “busy.” I’m finally realizing just how true it is that we make time for what we want to. So, I’m trying to face...myself.

The purpose of seeing a therapist is to help separate the issues so the client may be sure that he or she is clear about their motivation to change sex, and clear about what to expect in the process.

--Jamison Green, “Body of Knowledge,” Becoming a Visible Man (Nashville: Vanderbilt University Press, 2004) 93.

Queers of color often did not have the opportunity to address issues of sexuality in isolation from their other concerns and, unlike many whites, could not make being gay the principal focus of their struggles.

--Susan Stryker and Jim Van Buskirk, Gay by the Bay: A History of Queer Culture in San Francisco (San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 1996) 54-55.

Together, these two quotations help to illuminate my fears of seeking therapy. For, if “the purpose of seeing a therapist is to help separate the issues,” then how am I, as a queer of color, ever going to be able to [and even if I could, why would I want to?] separate the issues of gender, sexuality, race, class, religion, age, etc. needed to “be sure” that I am “clear about [my] motivation to change sex?” It’s a logic puzzle I haven’t been able to solve.

On one hand, I understand the impetus behind the push for such therapy. I do think it’s important to thoroughly think through the assumptions and expectations you have before medically transitioning. But, on the other hand I remain skeptical as to who gets to have the authority over such a determination, and why. (Well, and to be honest, I have a really hard time thinking about the way in which the process of transitioning seems to deny gender fluidity in some ways.)

Some would read this, I’m sure, and say that I’m not really trans-—or, at the very least, not trans enough. On my part, I know what I want, just not how to get it. And what’s that? Well, I’d love to be on a low dose of testosterone, and to have a double mastectomy. I’d like to be known by my chosen name and chosen gender.

What I’d like not to have to do is change my identity documents, or be negatively affected by a seeming discrepancy between my person and my documents. After my struggles and long waits to finally be legally documented, first as a permanent resident in the U.S., and finally as a naturalized U.S. citizen, I just don’t want to mess with my papers. (Not that I’ve even been able to find any information on how to change a birth certificate from the Philippines, let alone my naturalization papers.)

*sigh*

Hmm...would it be too much to ask for a therapist who could understand the inseparability of queer, trans, race, and immigrant issues for me, and support what I want, as well what I don’t?

(Then again, you only need ONE therapist to support you...so, maybe I could hop from therapist to therapist until I found the right one. But, if I had to do that, then would I have strength enough to continue to stand up for what I want, and what I don’t?)

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger...but that’s an adage from the vantage point of those who survived. The others we don’t hear from, but that doesn’t mean they are non-existent (just that it is easy to think of them as so).

Time is up-—for today.

Ultra "Shattered Dreams"

So much for your promises They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you who would stand by my side
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You said you'd die for me
Woke up to reality And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you who would do me no wrong
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
From this empty heart
I thought it was you who said you'd die for love
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You said you'd die for me

Simple Things, Big Comfort

2008-01-25T16:06:00.000-05:00

On and off (when I wasn't cutting my hair myself) for the last eight years, I've been going to Lam Lee, a stylist at the Potomac Yards Hair Cuttery.

I just have to say that it is SO nice to be able to get my hair cut the way I want, to have it cut well, and for a reasonable price.

Getting Spun Right Round Baby Right Round

2008-01-22T21:41:00.000-05:00

Watching today's news coverage of yesterday's Democratic presidential debate in South Carolina, I was saddened that so much emphasis is being placed on the clash between Clinton and Obama that what each might have actually said about the issues and where they stand was overshadowed. Then I realized that this has been the general pattern in the news for a while, not just after yesterday's events.

Talk about spin, whether you look at The Washington Post, The Nation, The Huffington Post, CNN, etc.

I don't know about others, but I'd rather base my vote on the candidate's own spin of themselves over others' spin of them.

Hillary Clinton's official campaign website

Barack Obama's official campaign website

(yeah, they are not the only ones vying for the Democratic nomination, but the only two I'd consider--didn't say you wouldn't find spin here, too!)

How much can one stand?

2008-01-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

In so many areas of my life right now, the question of the day seems to be "How much can I stand?"

How does anyone ever answer this in a satisfying way? Maybe there is no satisfaction to be had...

Oh geez...I’m in too much of a pessimistic mood to be blogging!!!

Opposites

2008-01-15T15:41:00.000-05:00

But I always heard opposites attract.
Yeah...But similars stay together.

(146) Rainbow Road Alex Sanchez

I wonder if anyone of us really knows “our type.” The kind of people I’ve almost always said that I was attracted to, by far, have NOT been the people that I’ve actually dated. Is this because I haven’t actually acknowledged all that I’m attracted to, that I’ve denied my “true” feelings? Or perhaps because I’ve waited to see who shows interest in me rather than initiating my own pursuits? Or because I’ve been too quick to form bonds and get attached to people based on the merit of what they have to offer, and not necessarily strictly based on my preconceived ideals? Maybe it’s all these things, and more.

In the end, I have no idea that actually finding the kind of people you believed you are attracted to even ensures a lasting relationship!

Promises and vows can be made, but they alone do not guarantee a relationship’s longevity. (Not that such longevity is a necessary common goal of all relationships everywhere.)

Most often times I’ve found that it’s the things I wasn’t looking for, the people I hadn’t anticipated meeting and getting to know, that often enrich my life most. This doesn’t mean, of course, that I’ve ceased my search to find out the ins and outs of how love works, only that I’ve met my share of frustration in that quest!

In my experiences, lack of sufficient similarities over time has led to break-ups. I guess the questions, then, are: What counts as a similarity? and How do you measure sufficiency?

Sometimes I forget that the answers aren’t as simple as they appear, and that objects can be closer than they appear.

More on the International Bill of Gender Rights

2008-01-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

Last week, I posted the text of the International Bill of Gender Rights.

I stand by what I said in that earlier post, that more people could benefit from being familiar with it. That's not to say, however, that it itself is above critique and without its share of problematics.

Just wanted to pass along this page from Viviane K. Namaste's book, Invisible Lives: The Erasure of Transsexual and Transgendered People, that offers one such critique.

The book is definitely worth checking out...hopefully more on Namaste and Invisible Lives coming soon.

Blast from the past

2008-01-14T09:44:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting here using a laptop handed down to me by my brother. It has an internal 28.8 modem that is compatible with a standard telephone dial-up connection, is operating on Windows 95, is loaded with Microsoft Word for Windows 95, and has an external 3.5” floppy drive. In other words, it’s a rather old computer. (Truth be told, it was already old when I got it in 2000.) But, it still works, and though the screen is probably only 8.5” x 6” and the battery is so worn out that it can’t hold a charge for more than a few minutes (if that), it still comes in handy.

I’m particularly amused because I had forgotten that I had set the screen saver to be scrolling text that reads “I am what I am.” In my high school yearbook, seniors were allowed the added privilege of including a quotation with their class picture. My quotation was, yes, you guessed it, “I am what I am.” I tried to also sneak in the phrase “Sea Tec Astronomy,” but that was eventually edited out. (It was the anagram from the film Sneakers that when unscrambled read “too many secrets.”) At the time, both of these things signified my queerness. I hadn’t really come out to anyone (barely even myself at this time), but I certainly knew that not being out didn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t queer.

I feel the same way now about being trans. I never imagined that it would be as hard as it feels right now to come out as trans, especially since I’ve been out as queer for over a decade. I’m probably holding myself back more than anything or anyone else is. Still, in the end, I am what/who I am.

“F” is for Football and Friends!

2008-01-14T09:43:00.000-05:00

These past several years, I’ll admit, I haven’t been watching a whole lot of football. When you’re living in Washington Redskins’ and Baltimore Ravens’ territory, but you’re a San Francisco 49er fan, and your team is struggling, there’s not much joy to be had. True, one of my good friends from the Bay Area who has since relocated to Baltimore goes to Ravens’ games in full 49ers gear, so maybe it’s just that I’m not hard core enough. *shrug*

This past season, however, I’m back in the game. The 49ers are still struggling, and I’m still in Redskins’ and Ravens’ territory. What’s different, however, is that “F” is for Football, AND for Friends—and I’ve had friends come into my life whose passion for football has rekindled my own.

Growing up having watched Joe Montana, Dwight Clark, Roger Craig, Jerry Rice, and so many other great players, it was easy to become a football fan. What really cultivated my fondness for the game weren’t the players, though, or even their Superbowl win, or their Repeat Superbowl Championship (though any ONE of these things would be sufficient, let alone the three combined!). I fell in love with the game because when I was growing up football season meant time with mom and dad. After church, followed by lunch at McDonalds, we’d get home and then curl up in their king-sized bed to watch football. Football was family time.

It’s been years since I watched football with my parents, and decades since they’ve had a king-sized bed. And, though not without regrets, it’s even been years since I’ve last seen my parents. But, as with many other queers, “family” includes so much more than my blood and marriage relatives.

So, here’s to the friends and the community—to the family—that I’ve been able to share this season with! Cheers y’all!!!

Random Notes (pt. 2)

2008-01-10T09:36:00.000-05:00

Random quotations more precisely, that I've collected watching my netflix discs:

If you could just give me the answers, I'd really appreciate it.
(Christina, Grey's Anatomy)

What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. Just do whatever it takes. You can't fail if you dont' give up.
(The Last Kiss)

It's not our job to appeal to the lowest common denominator, it's our job to raise it.
(President Bartlet, The West Wing, season 3, disc 1)

Internation Bill of Gender Rights

2008-01-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

Though this is readily available on multiple internet sites, I wanted to pass it on, yet again. Besides, it's too good not to be everywhere!

THE INTERNATIONAL BILL OF GENDER RIGHTS

#1: The Right To Define Gender Identity

All human beings carry within themselves an ever-unfolding idea of who they are and what they are capable of achieving. The individual's sense of self is not determined by chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role. Thus, the individual's identity and capabilities cannot be circumscribed by what society deems to be masculine or feminine behavior. It is fundamental that individuals have the right to define, and to redefine as their lives unfold, their own gender identities, without regard to chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, all human beings have the right to define their own gender identity regardless of chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

#2: The Right to Free Expression of Gender Identity

Given the right to define one's own gender identity, all human beings have the corresponding right to free expression of their self-defined gender identity.

Therefore, all human beings have the right to free expression of their self-defined gender identity; and further, no individual shall be denied Human or Civil Rights by virtue of the expression of a self-defined gender identity.

#3: The Right to Secure and Retain Employment and to Receive Just Compensation

Given the economic structure of modern society, all human beings have a right to train for and to pursue an occupation or profession as a means of providing shelter, sustenance, and the necessities and bounty of life, for themselves and for those dependent upon them; further, all human beings have the right to secure and retain employment and to receive just compensation for their labor regardless of gender identity, chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to train for and to pursue an occupation or profession, nor be denied the right to secure and retain employment, nor be denied just compensation for their labor, by virtue of their chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, or on the basis of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

#4: The Right of Access to Gendered Space and Participation in Gendered Activity

Given the right to define one's own gender identity and the corresponding right to free expression of a self-defined gender identity, no individual should be denied access to a space or denied participation in an activity by virtue of a self-defined gender identity which is not in accord with chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, no individual shall be denied access to a space or denied participation in an activity by virtue of a self-defined gender identity which is not in accord with chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

#5: The Right to Control and Change One's Own Body

All human beings have the right to control their bodies, which includes the right to change their bodies cosmetically, chemically, or surgically, so as to express a self-defined gender identity.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to change their bodies as a means of expressing a self-defined gender identity; and further, individuals shall not be denied Human or Civil Rights on the basis that they have changed their bodies cosmetically, chemically, or surgically, or desire to do so as a means of expressing a self-defined gender identity.

#6: The Right to Competent Medical and Professional Care

Given the individual's right to define one's own gender identity, and the right to change one's own body as a means of expressing a self-defined gender identity, no individual should be denied access to competent medical or other professional care on the basis of the individual's chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to competent medical or other professional care on the basis of chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, when changing their bodies cosmetically, chemically, or surgically.

#7: The Right to Freedom From Involuntary Psychiatric Diagnosis and Treatment

Given the right to define one's own gender identity, individuals should not be subject to involuntary psychiatric diagnosis or treatment.

Therefore, individuals shall not be subject to involuntary psychiatric diagnosis or treatment as mentally disordered, dysphoric, or diseased, on the basis of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

#8: The Right to Sexual Expression

Given the right to a self-defined gender identity, every consenting adult has a corresponding right to free sexual expression.

Therefore, no individual's Human or Civil Rights shall be denied on the basis of sexual orientation; and further, no individual shall be denied Human or Civil Rights for expression of a self-defined gender identity through private sexual acts between consenting adults.

#9: The Right to Form Committed, Loving Relationships and Enter Into Marital Contracts

Given that all human beings have the right to free expression of self-defined gender identities, and the right to sexual expression as a form of gender expression, all human beings have a corresponding right to form committed, loving relationships with one another, and to enter into marital contracts, regardless of their own or their partner's chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to form committed, loving relationships with one another or to enter into marital contracts by virtue of their own or their partner's chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, or on the basis of their expression of a self-defined gender identity.

#10: The Right to Conceive, Bear, or Adopt Children; The Right to Nurture and Have Custody of Children and to Exercise Parental Capacity

Given the right to form a committed, loving relationship with another, and to enter into marital contracts, together with the right to express a self-defined gender identity and the right to sexual expression, individuals have a corresponding right to conceive and bear children, to adopt children, to nurture children, to have custody of children, and to exercise parental capacity with respect to children, natural or adopted, without regard to chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, or by virtue of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to conceive, bear, or adopt children, nor to nurture and have custody of children, nor to exercise parental capacity with respect to children, natural or adopted, on the basis of their own, their partner's, or their children's chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, initial gender role, or by virtue of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

Reuse-a-Shoe

2008-01-07T09:09:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been learning about different kinds of recycling/donation options for various items. (We all need to do SO much better if we really want to lessen the damage we're doing to our environment.) Just found out about the "Reuse-A-Shoe" program by Nike.

Definitely a good alternative for those with lots of athletic shoes in need of an afterlife. Now, if I could only find something comparable for my casual shoes...

Joke's on me

2008-01-06T20:39:00.001-05:00

Just when I've been feeling really good about everything, I'm reminded that we have to live our lives in the real world.

Travels TO Pittsburgh

2008-01-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

In my life on the east coast, I had passed THROUGH Pennsylvania on numerous occasions (on my way to Cleveland, OH and Frankenmuth, MI). In 2006 I did manage a day trip to Reading, PA to see the Keith Haring exhibit at the Reading Public Museum. But, other than that one quick sojourn, Pennsylvania has been a thruway and not a destination. (My friends can't believe that I've never even been to Philadelphia. I know, I know, such a shame considering how close it is to the DC metro area--it's on my list for "Things To Do in 2008.")

This past December, I finally traveled TO Pennsylvania, more specifically to Pittsburgh. I found it a charming city--full of history, character, and pride. Of course, being surrounded by so much water (even if it is river water and not ocean water) was a definite draw. I was most surprised by Pittsburgh's landscape--I had no idea there would be so many hills--it was wonderful. In many ways, the time I spent in Pittsburgh reminded me of some of the things I love most about San Francisco. (Even better, though, things were cheaper, there was less traffic, and parking was a breeze!)

It was a great way to close out 2007!

Some highlights from my trip:

as well as Spice Island, 5801 Video Lounge & Cafe, and The Strip, which didn't have business cards or other comparable take-away literature :(

NYC, third time's the charm

2008-01-03T16:12:00.000-05:00

The first time I went to NYC, I saw an all-star production of The Vagina Monologues at Madison Square Garden in celebration of V-Day 2001.

The second time I went to NYC was for the Queer Asian Pacific Legacy conference in 2004. One result of this conference was the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force's report on Asian Pacific American lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. This also marked my one and only trip to Keith Haring's Pop Shop, which has since closed its doors, and only recently has been resurrected on-line.

The third time I went to NYC was just this past December. I finally got the chance to see the usual tourist sights--corny I know, but memorable just the same. Here are some highlights...

Rockefeller Center

Times Square

Bryant Park

It was so worth the long walk in freezing temperature to catch the sunset while on the Brooklyn Bridge. I'm looking forward to a summer sunrise from the bridge...

Had the most FABULOUS dinner at Nobu!!

Goodnight NYC. Until next time!

It’s Still Elementary

2008-01-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

Back at the end of November, I had the opportunity to be at the Washington D.C. premiere of It’s Still Elementary, a film by Groundspark (formerly known as Women’s Educational Media).

It’s Elementary: Talking About Gay Issues in School is often regarded by the students in my Introduction to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Studies course as one of their favorite films. Before watching the film, the students largely believe that K-12 is a bit early to start educating students about LGBT issues, but then quickly change their tune when they witness how teachers and students in It’s Elementary have successfully incorporated LGBT issues into their curriculum.

They’re amazed at how much the students depicted in the film are able to understand about regarding gay and lesbian issues, and equally surprised to find out how much misinformation students in K-12 settings have already been exposed to by media, peers, family, etc.

One of my critiques of It’s Elementary is that the film is completely silent on bisexual and transgender people’s issues. Granted, when the film was made, it was pushing the boundaries just talking about gay issues. In fact, to a large degree, to advocate teaching gay issues in K-12 education is still very much pushing the boundaries even today. I acknowledge this historic context of the film’s making, and make my critiques in the spirit very much in keeping with the film’s intent—to push the boundaries of acceptance, and attain respect for all.

It’s Still Elementary is a film that follows up with certain people from It’s Elementary. Celebrating the release of It’s Elementary on DVD for the first time, It’s Still Elementary is a special feature of the DVD on this, the film’s ten year anniversary. The film tracks down several people almost ten years later and asks them how their participation in the film has affected their lives. Juxtaposing their mid 1990’s selves with their present-day selves helps to demonstrate just how true the adage is that “the children are our future.”

Keeping this in mind, I wanted to share the following:

The Trouble With Islam (pt. 2)

2008-01-03T10:30:00.000-05:00

Irshad Manji frames her book, The Trouble With Islam, as a letter to “fellow Muslims.” As a Catholic, there are many ways in which Manji isn’t addressing me, but I still took much from The Trouble With Islam. And, in fact, there are several moments when Manji does directly address the responsibilities of non-Muslims. While this certainly wasn’t her main focus, I definitely appreciate how The Trouble With Islam works to challenge Muslim and non-Muslims alike to be more reflexive about problems and struggles, and most importantly, to challenge us all to take actions to make the world better for us all.

The tone which Manji uses throughout her “letter” is somewhat of a casual/intimate one. It was almost as if I could “hear” her talking with me as I read her words on the page. Numerous passages demonstrate Manji’s wry sense of humor, her outrage at contradiction and injustice, and her dedication to her faith. In this way, The Trouble With Islam is crafted to reveal Manji to her readers on a personal level, and hence to foster her readers to feel similarly connected. (It also helps to make the book a quick read).

Although I wasn’t familiar with many of Manji’s references, to passages in the Koran, to Islamic customs and practices, to the nuances of conflict in the Middle East, etc. I found the text accessible. Manji offered a lot of knowledge to those, like me, who have only a rudimentary understanding of Islam and Muslim culture. Yet, at the same time, I’m confident that fellow Muslims would also find the text to offer them valuable insight to Islam. In her own quest to understand Islam, Manji describes the struggles she faced, as well as the conclusions she came to. Far from insisting that readers come to the same conclusions, she instead presents her findings for others’ to consider and evaluate for themselves. Indeed, it is individuality that Manji proposes as the guiding value that will move us all forward to a better world—not the kind of individuality that is selfish, but the kind that prizes our infinite differences and ultimate uniqueness. As she writes, the differences among us should serve as “incentives to know one another.”

Manji’s argument here is clear: once we truly respect this level of individuality, the plurality of interpretations which she is so keen to facilitate and support as the means to end the “trouble” with Islam, becomes that much more attainable.