Hurt and Hopes of Sticky Rice

On my way back from Atlanta and AAAS last week, I was talking to a friend on the phone when she said something that struck a nerve (in a bad way) with me.

We were talking about the girlfriend/partner of a mutual friend of ours who I've never met, and I expressed my desire and hope that I get to meet her soon. Not only is she very clearly an important person in my friend's life, but she's a queer pinay to boot. To this, though, the friend I was talking to related that they had discussed our meeting, and thought that either such a meeting would result in one of two outcomes--we'd be fast friends, or we'd be bitter enemies. (Okay, so she didn't word it as strongly as I just did here, but this is the sentiment of her statement that I understood.) Then, "jokingly" she said that what they did know was that if I and the queer pinay partner were to fight, I'd get my "ass kicked."

Okay, so I've already admitted that I lack in the sense of humor department. I know it's a shortcoming, and that I do tend to take things "too seriously," "too literally," and "too personally."

Still, I was really bothered by this whole conversation. On one hand, I don't think anybody would like to here that their friends think of them getting their ass kicked. But more importantly, I was really HURT that their thinking about the two of us meeting left space for any potential acrimony. I mean, I know all queers don't necessarily get along because they're queer. But, we're clearly people that they value as friends, and it was a hard pill to swallow that they'd think that our concern and love for them wouldn't also translate to each other.

I guess I do assume, though, that a person a friend of mine cares deeply about and sees as valuable is someone I would also care deeply about and value. I mean, I know that some folks have separate circles of friends that they don't, and wouldn't want to, mix...I've just never felt that way myself, and find it difficult to imagine. In this case, the cut was especially deep because I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with other queer filipinos...hardly any at all, really.

So, when this thing about us not liking each other and me getting my ass kicked came up, I went reeling. I think it's also partly due to the timing...earlier in the day on the same AAAS panel that I presented at, Chong-suk Han (Temple University/University of Washington) gave a talk where he was talking about the anti-sticky rice environment that has been set up in the U.S. This felt like just another example of maintaining anti-sticky rice environs (okay, so I'm taking the "sticky rice" concept from an explicit context of dating to friendship here, but you get the point).

It's been over a week, and at first I thought I was angry--angry about what was said. I definitely didn't appreciate the comment, and felt wronged. I realize now that while I might have been angered in the moment, what's lingered with me is the hurt...

I think I really wanted to be given more credit that the partner of a friend I cherish would know that I would also cherish who she loves. Then again, as I was reminded the other night, things like this aren't always about me--they're often about the person speaking. In yet another "sign," at church today I was reminded that what I need to focus on is not "sin," but rather "love."

I'm working on letting it go...this is my start.