Saturday Morning Ruminations

For the first time since perhaps some time last summer, it's Saturday morning and I'm off of work at Starbucks. (I asked for the day off since today is the day of our Filipino folk dance performances for the Annual Pride & Heritage celebration. I'm off to our on site dress rehearsal in a few, but the morning has compelled me to post a little before I head out.)

For over the past two weeks I've been holding onto my Netflix copy of Transgeneration (disc 2). Now, for some of you fellow Netflixers, having one disc for two weeks might not seem like a big deal. In fact, one of the beauties of Netflix are no due dates. Still, at the same time, it's important to note that when you don't return disc, you don't get any new discs either. For a frugal fellow like me, I'm all about maximizing the flat monthly fee and getting as many different DVDs as I can each month--so, two weeks is a long time for me to hold onto a disc. In my Netflix history I haven't had any disc as long as I've been holding onto Transgeneration.



So, I've been holding onto this last disc of Transgeneration, unwatched, for the past few weeks. I think that as much as I wanted to see how the series ended, I was also in my own way trying to stave off that ending and hold onto something...

I think I've been doing that a lot lately, trying too hard to hold onto things instead of letting them take their course...trying too hard to not let things change.

On one hand, it makes sense; the end of the semester and school year are coming down fast upon me, and as much as I'm looking forward to summer break, this time of the school year is always one of loss. I'm glad for the students who successfully complete their classes, for the ones who graduate, for the classes that accomplish their aims, for the relief of having completed a hard semester's worth of work coupled with renewed interest in doing more work...

On the other hand, I know that it's about much more than just school.

In any case, I finally sat down yesterday to watch Transgeneration. The school year of the four students the documentary focuses on is similarly coming to a close in this last disc. In part related to the ending of the school year, though not exclusively so, the last two episodes on this second disc seem to feature the families of the various students more. It was really touching...made me miss my family, both biological and chosen...

I want to write more here, but I'm feeling too emotional to at the moment, and I need to put myself into a different head space for rehearsal...more later.

[Oh, but let me say here that I am really upset with Netflix, who on the sleeve of the CD offer a summary of the disc's episodes that fail to use the gendered pronouns that reflect the subjects' gender identities! :( ]

In the mean time, my campus had a screening of Transgeneration in the Fall before the series started. Here are some of my thoughts from then:

Raci I thought was really interesting because of her unapologetic sexual desire, wanting to go out all the time, etc. (actually, I just kept thinking "how southern Californian of her"--mind you this is the same place I came out in, so I can talk :) Of course, I also get a kick out of Raci being Filipina, and getting to hear tagalog. It was great to see her own her desire so much, but then also to witness the way in which that might put her in danger (like that guy in the club who was grabbing at her). I thought it was a balanced representation in that way. I was hoping, though, to hear more about her class status. She definitely made it a point to talk about her regents scholarship and how without it she wouldn't be able to go to school, and the film made clear that she had to move out of town for a job, but otherwise, class wasn't really talked about (well, not in the festival cut, anyway).

As for Gabi--I thought her story really helped to bring out lots of different issues, like the cost of SRS, the potential danger of over-investing in surgery as a panacea, isolation through transitioning, etc. In comparison to Raci and how Raci didn't want anyone to know she was trans, I think Gabi made for a balanced oppositional representation in how she was really up front with random people in her class. Gabi was also sad though, just because she was so socially awkward--if she had tried to pat me on the head, oh man!

Interestingly, the transguys' stories seemed a lot more depressing, generally. It's not like we didn't see Raci having disagreements with her mom, but T.J and Lucas were struggling with their moms in a way we didn't see Raci and Gabi. Also I don't know if it was by choice or circumstance, but it also seemed as if there were more ways in which T.J.'s and Lucas' worlds/social circles were more closed (transguys-only) in comparison to Raci and Gabi, who both had other transwomen as friends, but were also pictured with others. (Seems to me this has a lot to do with the differences between MTFs and FTMs, which I hope the series goes into a bit more, but which I didn't feel come out as a strong theme in the festival cut.)

I don't know, maybe I'm just sensitive because I worry about the FTMs I know who seemed to have to disappear and go into transmen-only spaces as they transitioned. I guess it makes me sad to think of losing these guys. Then again, I know there are really good reasons for such distancing, especially if it's from a lesbian/women's community. I guess there are ways I feel part of both communities, and rather than finding myself in a place where I'd have to choose one over the other, I want both at the same time.