Once a Brat Always a Brat (?)

I hope not, but I definitely haven't done anything to prove otherwise lately...

I talked to my mom over the weekend, and she wants to know when I'll get done with classes this semester so she'll know when to expect me back "home" for Christmas and New Years. It seems that the plan is to go to the Philippines for New Years.

Sounds like a good time, right? Travel, vacation, visit family, etc. Most normal people would jump at the opportunity, but not me--of course I have to pitch a mini-fit and be all evasive with mom, hemming and hawing about not knowing if I can take the time off...

Excuses...no good excuses, really.

The plan is to travel to the Philippines because my dad wants to go...he hasn't been in the Philippines for Christmas or New Years for the last 27 years at least (and not because he, or my mom, haven't wanted to). They've spent so much of their lives sacrificing for their children--me--putting aside their own desires. Now, they're nearing their 70s, my dad is battling lymph node cancer, struggling through chemotherapy, and finally they're taking the initiative to make their wants known, while still including us kids...and all I can do is be an ungrateful, spoiled, brat. I should be ashamed of myself, and I am.

I've been wondering the past couple of days what my problem is...

It's scary to think of my dad asking for this, and my mom working so hard to make it happen because they've talked about it loads of times before, without it going anywhere, but this times feels different. I'm afraid that it's different because they know something about the prognosis of my dad's cancer that they aren't saying. The way my mom talked about my dad wanting to be in the Philippines for New Years, and wanting me there with them almost made it sound as if this just might be my dad's last New Year. I can't tell if this is just my over-active imagination at work, or something more real. And, judging from how much (or should I say how little) I've already gotten my parents to talk to me about the situation, I doubt I'll soon find out more.

I wish I knew how to talk to my parents...I wish they knew they could talk to me.

I think I'm also hesitant to travel to the Philippines because I just don't feel comfortable dealing with my sexuality in relationship to extended family. I haven't come out to any of them directly, and I don't know if my parents or brothers have ever said anything. The last time I traveled to the Philippines, however, it was with a woman who was my lover at the time, and she met my relatives, and was warmly welcomed by all. I don't think they're so clueless as to not have understood that we were together. Still, there's such a big difference between an open secret and outright openness.

Still, nothing justifies my being a brat. :(

Knowing may be half the battle, but it isn't nearly enough without action.