Who are You? (part 2)

You know, who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

I used to fool myself into thinking that I didn’t need people. I knew I wasn’t an island, that people would inevitably cross my path—that certainly didn’t mean that I needed them.

Oh, but how I do need people! (And they need me!)

It’s not that they themselves let me know who I am, but that who is around me speaks to the choices I make in my life. And we certainly are our choices…

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter, p.333, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

One of the topics I teach as part of my “Introduction to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Studies” course is the etiology of sexuality—that is, the “cause” or “origin” of sexuality. It always fascinates me how excited students are to study this topic because as inquisitive as I think I am, my curiosity seldom extends to finding out THE origins of something. Perhaps I did feel as most of my students do, years ago…but nowadays I see too many nuances and complexities to ever believe in THE ONE origin of anything.

Besides, when it comes specifically to etiology of sexuality I agree with the position Vera Whisman takes in Queer By Choice that there is something empowering about advocating choice as etiology.

In fact, when it comes to the etiology of gender identity, I also feel that choice should be honored as just cause.

Since coming out as a transman in certain publics earlier this year, I’ve remained quite selective in where I come out and to whom. I’ve told myself and others that this is in part because I’m just so damn tired of coming out. As so many of us queers know, coming out as queer isn’t something you just do once and then never have to do again—it’s an ongoing task.

When it comes to my gender identity, I’m finding that coming out isn’t just an ongoing task because each new person I come across signifies a moment to come out, but (unfortunately so in my experiences thus far) also because I usually have to reinforce my gender identity choices with the people I do come out to several times over. How tiring! Yeah, this happens with conventionally gendered people who come out as queer. I guess, though, since folks so readily accepted my queer sexuality that it’s quite a new experience for me to have to fight so hard to have my gender identity recognized as I would have it.

I guess, too, it doesn’t help when my internalized oppression kicks in and my insecurities get a hold of me because I don’t necessarily feel as if I was born a man. I can’t deny that I was born female-bodied, but I also can’t deny that I’ve never quite felt as comfortable identifying as a woman as I do a transman.

Could I put up with being identified as a woman the rest of my life? Yeah, I could. I can put up with a lot—too many experiences of racism, xenophobia, sexism, ageism, classism, etc. have trained me to survive under exploitative conditions. Do I want more, yes? Have I demanded more? Not necessarily (sad, I know), but don’t we all have to pick and choose our battles?

*Sigh* I feel like that sounds like such a cop-out…at the same time, I don’t know that I’m ready to get all “angry asian,” yet. I don’t think I’m selling myself short, but perhaps letting myself rest and gather reinforcements for the struggles to come?

Is choosing to wait the same as doing nothing? No, I don’t think so, but they do look awfully alike…