Blast from the past

I’m sitting here using a laptop handed down to me by my brother. It has an internal 28.8 modem that is compatible with a standard telephone dial-up connection, is operating on Windows 95, is loaded with Microsoft Word for Windows 95, and has an external 3.5” floppy drive. In other words, it’s a rather old computer. (Truth be told, it was already old when I got it in 2000.) But, it still works, and though the screen is probably only 8.5” x 6” and the battery is so worn out that it can’t hold a charge for more than a few minutes (if that), it still comes in handy.

I’m particularly amused because I had forgotten that I had set the screen saver to be scrolling text that reads “I am what I am.” In my high school yearbook, seniors were allowed the added privilege of including a quotation with their class picture. My quotation was, yes, you guessed it, “I am what I am.” I tried to also sneak in the phrase “Sea Tec Astronomy,” but that was eventually edited out. (It was the anagram from the film Sneakers that when unscrambled read “too many secrets.”) At the time, both of these things signified my queerness. I hadn’t really come out to anyone (barely even myself at this time), but I certainly knew that not being out didn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t queer.

I feel the same way now about being trans. I never imagined that it would be as hard as it feels right now to come out as trans, especially since I’ve been out as queer for over a decade. I’m probably holding myself back more than anything or anyone else is. Still, in the end, I am what/who I am.