Virtual Therapy (session 1)

I have this running list of quotations that resonate different aspects of how I feel about my trans identity. I keep meaning to blog about them, but never seem to get around to it.

At first, I figured it was just because I was “busy.” I’m finally realizing just how true it is that we make time for what we want to. So, I’m trying to face...myself.

The purpose of seeing a therapist is to help separate the issues so the client may be sure that he or she is clear about their motivation to change sex, and clear about what to expect in the process.

--Jamison Green, “Body of Knowledge,” Becoming a Visible Man (Nashville: Vanderbilt University Press, 2004) 93.


Queers of color often did not have the opportunity to address issues of sexuality in isolation from their other concerns and, unlike many whites, could not make being gay the principal focus of their struggles.

--Susan Stryker and Jim Van Buskirk, Gay by the Bay: A History of Queer Culture in San Francisco (San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 1996) 54-55.

Together, these two quotations help to illuminate my fears of seeking therapy. For, if “the purpose of seeing a therapist is to help separate the issues,” then how am I, as a queer of color, ever going to be able to [and even if I could, why would I want to?] separate the issues of gender, sexuality, race, class, religion, age, etc. needed to “be sure” that I am “clear about [my] motivation to change sex?” It’s a logic puzzle I haven’t been able to solve.

On one hand, I understand the impetus behind the push for such therapy. I do think it’s important to thoroughly think through the assumptions and expectations you have before medically transitioning. But, on the other hand I remain skeptical as to who gets to have the authority over such a determination, and why. (Well, and to be honest, I have a really hard time thinking about the way in which the process of transitioning seems to deny gender fluidity in some ways.)

Some would read this, I’m sure, and say that I’m not really trans-—or, at the very least, not trans enough. On my part, I know what I want, just not how to get it. And what’s that? Well, I’d love to be on a low dose of testosterone, and to have a double mastectomy. I’d like to be known by my chosen name and chosen gender.

What I’d like not to have to do is change my identity documents, or be negatively affected by a seeming discrepancy between my person and my documents. After my struggles and long waits to finally be legally documented, first as a permanent resident in the U.S., and finally as a naturalized U.S. citizen, I just don’t want to mess with my papers. (Not that I’ve even been able to find any information on how to change a birth certificate from the Philippines, let alone my naturalization papers.)

*sigh*

Hmm...would it be too much to ask for a therapist who could understand the inseparability of queer, trans, race, and immigrant issues for me, and support what I want, as well what I don’t?

(Then again, you only need ONE therapist to support you...so, maybe I could hop from therapist to therapist until I found the right one. But, if I had to do that, then would I have strength enough to continue to stand up for what I want, and what I don’t?)

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger...but that’s an adage from the vantage point of those who survived. The others we don’t hear from, but that doesn’t mean they are non-existent (just that it is easy to think of them as so).

Time is up-—for today.

Ultra "Shattered Dreams"

So much for your promises They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you who would stand by my side
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You said you'd die for me
Woke up to reality And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you who would do me no wrong
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
From this empty heart
I thought it was you who said you'd die for love
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You said you'd die for me