Virtual Therapy (session 2)

Some transpeople will unnecessarily cut themselves off from their families because they are fearful of confronting them or guiding them through the transition. Family members may be the most difficult to approach because losing them would be the greatest loss, so we impose that loss on ourselves rather than have it visited upon us.

(Jamison Green, Becoming a Visible Man 127)

So...last week I totally freaked out when it was suggested to me that I should really work on coming out as trans to more people (specifically, my roommate, graduate advisor, and parents). There was definitely a bit of a melt-down.

A week has gone by since, and I’m finally feeling calm about it.

As far as my roommate is concerned, I barely see him or speak to him, it just feels strange to tell him something so personal (I don’t even think he knows when my birthday is, or really anything about me.) I don’t feel any particular investment in him knowing; I’m rather confident that when I move out I won’t keep in contact with him. True, we’ve been living together for two-and-a-half years, but we’ve always been roommates, never really friends. That he knows me and calls me by the name that I used when I first moved in doesn’t phase me-—it’s a sign of my past, which I don’t deny.

When it comes to my advisor...honestly, I’m a little tired of all the “life” that’s “gotten in the way” these past years. She has said to me before that life happens, and has always been understanding of that. I’m pretty sure that she would take the news of my being trans in stride, but really, right now I don’t want to talk to her about anything. I want to just hide out in my basement and get some drafts of chapters to her, and then emerge. Seeing her and talking with her is making me feel anxious about the fact that I still haven’t finished my dissertation-—and thoughts of transitioning seem so insignificant in comparison.

In terms of my parents, well, I’ve been meaning to write them a letter-—not necessarily one I would send them (maybe for my next virtual therapy session?). I came out to them as queer in a letter (which they then answered in a letter), and that’s all that’s ever been said about that. So, when it comes to thinking about talking to them about me being trans, I can’t imagine it. I was so uptight when I came out to them because all I heard growing up was how much my mom wanted to have a girl, and how they tried and tried and tried, until I finally came along (fifteen years after my oldest brother).

I already feel like I disappointed them when I told them I’m queer, to tell them I’m trans, too, just seems like too much. They are getting older and their health isn’t what it used to be. I know they still worry about me (about if I’ve eaten, and if I have money, etc.). They probably always will worry about me since I’m their kid, and they see it as their responsibility as parents to make sure I’m okay. I love them for that, and will always look at all they’ve done and continue to do for me fondly because I know how many personal sacrifices they’ve made for me. Still, I feel ungrateful when I don’t make similar sacrifices.

And honestly, being trans sure feels like a selfish privilege sometimes. I’ve told friends that I could probably live out my life the gender I was assigned at birth. I’ve also told them that I don’t think I’d be as happy, but that I could likely endure it. I’ve endured so much already, it’s hard for me to imagine that I couldn’t just keep at it. (I was certainly self-destructive in my past, but not having succeeded in doing myself in, I know now that I can put up with a lot and get by on the bare minimum.) Would I be fulfilled as I could? Certainly not. (Well, and let’s not forget that there are lots of people that I do come out to as trans! Don’t I get any partial credit?)

I’ve known people in the past who felt they were destined to do something BIG in their life. I’ve always hoped that I would do some good in my time. Does this speak to an issue of low self-esteem on my part? I don’t think so. The way I’ve experienced my gender, sex, class, immigration status, and birth order haven’t been conducive to a sense of entitlement. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. I don’t want to sell myself short, but at the same time I always feel the weight of practicality on my shoulders. Too much of a pragmatist and not enough of a dreamers? Perhaps.

I will try to dream a little more (without losing sight of all that I can do).