All of Me

The moment that I came out to another person as trans is still very clear in my mind.

I was talking to a friend who had just come out to me as trans, and he asked whether or not what he had been telling me was out there, ridiculous, and shocking. I remember feeling very calm and telling him, “no, because I feel the same way.”

His coming out to me was the community, encouragement, and support I needed to further explore how I had been feeling. It wasn’t the first time that I had ever talked to someone about having trans feelings, but it was the first time I claimed the identity as my own.

Since then, I feel like I’ve been fighting to get others to recognize and acknowledge that I identify as trans.

Telling people hasn’t proven entirely effective...I don’t know if this is because I haven’t told everyone, and so those I have told don’t feel it’s “real enough.” Mostly I think it’s because I haven’t started hormone therapy, and haven’t had surgery, so people haven’t “seen” any changes, and so don’t recognize me as anything other than the “woman” they knew.

I’d love to have top surgery (aka double mastectomy). Give me $8000, time off of work to recuperate, someone to take care of me post-op, and a guarantee that my status as a naturalized U.S. citizen won’t in any way be jeopardized, and I’m there.

But, in light of being over $20,000 in debt in school loans, and working two jobs only to live paycheck to paycheck, I don’t see surgery as a financial possibility in the near future.

Hormones would certainly be more immediately affordable. And, given the amount of change (masculinization) that testosterone would likely have on me, it certainly seems like an attractive course of treatment. But, I don’t know enough about the long-term effects of testosterone, and I just don’t feel comfortable enough to subject my body to that at this moment.

If I could get people to recognize me as a transman with my body as-is, that would be ideal. I just don’t know if I’m willing to do things that I’m not ready for, just to have that. I guess eventually things will get to the point where I’ll feel like I HAVE to do things that right now I don’t think are necessary.

I’m beginning to realize that I’ll need to do a lot that I don’t want to, and that I will lose people, ties, etc. that have meant a lot to me on this journey.

It’s cruelly ironic, actually--I come out as trans thinking that I’ll finally get to be more myself, only to find that I becoming who I want means having to give up so much of who I am and have been.

I used to criticize how the recommended treatment for transsexuals involved transpeople’s disavowal and distancing of their pasts. Now I’m seeing the value of disappearing the old me in order to have the new me recognized.

The sad thing is that it’s ALL me.

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I’m reminded here of the 1999 film, All of Me, starring Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin, and of course the title song.

“All of Me” by Diana Ross (from the album Diana Ross & The Supremes: The No. 1’s)

All of me
Why not take all of me
Can’t you see
I’m no good without you

Take my lips
I want to lose them
Take my arms
Ill never use them

Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on, dear, without you

You took the part
That once was my heart
So why not take all of me

Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on, dear, without you

You took the part
That once was my heart
So why not take all of me