First there are firsts, but eventually there are lasts

So, it's been AGES since I last posted. I just haven't sat down to do it...partly because of time (and spending it working and/or with people instead of at my computer alone), partly because I've been letting thoughts marinate, and partly because there's so much that I really want to blog about that's SO serious that I just haven't "gone there."

I still don't know that I'm ready to "go there" right now (are any of us really ever ready for it?), but I guess I should try...

In my last post, one theme was "firsts." I realized last night that eventually with firsts there come lasts...(again, for better or worse).

This week we are celebrating DC's Capital Pride 2008. For the past several years, I've celebrated pride with the local queer asian women's group, APIQS. And, in all honestly, some of the best prides that I've had here in DC have been with the women of APIQS--celebrating alongside of them gave me the feeling of community and belonging.

Last night, I joined them once again in order to prepare for this year's upcoming pride festivities.

Admitedly, it did take me a LONG time before I came out to any fellow members that I was trans-identified, but I DID still do it. They seem to have adjusted to my name change, but definitely haven't gotten the hang of the male pronouns I prefer. And, last night, it seemed as if I was just "one of the girls."

It actually made me kind of sad inside.

Sad because I felt invisible as a transman.

Sad becuase I began to realize the differences and distances between queer women and queer men.

Sad because I no longer felt like I belonged, or that they were my community.

Sad because I don't think I can continue to be a member (or an active one, anyway).

I'm glad the group seems to be doing well through its leadership change, and that there seems to be an increase in member's energy and activity. I think groups like this are important; even though lots of non-API queer women might be excluded to some degree, I've always felt safe space (necessarily segregated at times) is important.

What's hard to deal with are the ways in which this group still does feel like my community (it'll forever be a part of my past), while at the same time coming face to face with the ways that it's not.

We may co-sponsor things with the men's group, AQUA (A/PI Queers United for Action), but there is certainly a sex and gender divide.

I fear losing this racial community as I embrace more fully my transness.

But, for now, for the sake of pride, I plan on enjoying this last pride with the sisters of APIQS as much as I can...