I want to believe

A friend of mine is scheduled to teach a course titled “Sexuality and Cyberspace” this coming fall. She flattered me by asking for my current “Introduction to LGBT Studies” syllabus because she wants to make her course a defacto introduction to lgbt and queer studies. I know that my current syllabus won’t be of any help to her, but it’s very exciting to think about what materials would be useful in such a class.

One of the things that came to my mind immediately is the presence of transpeople on the internet, in terms of the amount of information that is available on-line, but more so the on-line communities and support systems that have been created.

In particular I’ve been thinking about youtube.com and all the transguys videos’ that I’ve been able to see. There’s a sense of guys making videos to document things for themselves, but the larger sentiment is that they are offering themselves, their stories, for others. This has been such a gift for me, and many others.

I applaud these guys’ willingness and courage to offer such intimate parts of themselves to no one in particular, and everyone at the same time.

I wish I had the same courage.

But, whenever I think about what my first video might be, the little courage I have is weakened.

Most guys’ first video seems to follow the convention of, “Here’s what I look like and sound like after ‘x amount of time’ on T.” Much of the documentation that youtube provides in regards to transpeople is specifically one about physical changes over time.

I’m reminded of Loren Cameron’s book Body Alchemy, and how he used his photography to document the physical changes in his body as he transitioned—for himself, for his family, his friends, his community. It’s powerful stuff, being witness to such striking (physical) change.

Seeing is believing.

So then, what does that mean for what we can’t see?

I want to believe that there’s a place in the trans community for non-op, non-ho transpeople. I KNOW we exist…I just don’t know for how long any of us can survive.

One of these days, though, I’ll have the courage to make my video...and it’ll start, “this is how I look, and how I sound, being the non-ho, non-op transman that I am.”