Blood & Procrastination

I really wish I knew what procrastination was about, well, at least what my procrastination. I'll be leaving in less than 24 hours, and will be gone for 3 weeks, and despite all that I have to do before I go, I'm still procrastinating...

Part of me just feels tired and unfocused, and seeing as how my main task is to grade, I don't quite feel up to the task. Really, I'd like to sleep (even though I've already slept a couple of hours earlier; then again, if I'm so sleepy, that must mean I need the rest, right?). I should just stop forcing myself to be awake and just go back to sleep. I'm confident that I'd be much more productive then than I am now (I certainly couldn't get any less productive).

I've started my laundry, at least. And, I have just finished dinner, so I have been doing *some* things, just not *the* things that seem most pressing. But, I guess before a long trip, everything that you need to get everything done/put in order before you go all are equally pressing.


Then again, maybe I'm just a little sluggish from giving blood earlier today, coupled with my as of late, erratic sleeping pattern (or rather, lack of one). I've had plenty of food since then, but perhaps I need to work on my intake of fluids a bit more.

Today makes my 3rd donation attempt this year, but only the 2nd pint of whole blood I've been successful in giving. I don't really know what it is that compels me to give...part of it is definitely from running my high school's blood drive as part of my club's service activities. Part of it is because the most it costs me to give is a couple of hours. Besides, usually I'm too newly pierced and/or tattooed to be eligible to give. Hmmm...I guess if I'm not getting needle action one way, I find another!

I think, too, that I get a kick out of being a minority in the process--mainly because I like to be visible to the volunteers and other donors so that they know that the face of potential donors includes a wide range of people. Also, I had long ago signed up to be on the National Bone Marrow Donor's list, and giving blood feels closely related. Definitely the two aren't the same. Matching marrow is tougher, and usually race/ethnic specific, and so there's an especially high need to get a racially diverse mix of potential donors. Still, blood seems to be used more often. While I haven't yet ever need someone else's blood, or known anyone who has, I guess giving is a small way to pay it forward.

I'm still ambivalent about the sexist, racist, classist, homophobic aspects of it all (from donor eligibility to institutions of medicine), but I guess I also believe that in this particular instance, boycotting and/or abandoning the institution isn't a viable option. People still need blood, and it can still only be procured from other people...maybe the ultimate human gift?

ABD & etc.

I feel like I should post something, although I'm not quite sure what. I just successfully defended my dissertation prospectus, the last task to be completed before my admission to candidacy. As soon as all the paperwork goes through, I'll officially be ABD. Yeah for me. :)

It does feel good. I had a good meeting with my commitee members, and I felt like we had some productive discussion about how to move forward onto the dissertation itself. I certainly left the meeting feeling excited, and in anticipation of all to come.

Right now, though, I have to buckle down and finish my teaching duties for the semester. I collected final papers today, and still have some research projects from last week to grade as well, so it looks like tomorrow will be a marathon grading session. The payoff, though, is that Thursday I leave for SF, and a three-week vacation. Yeah for me, again.

While I didn't have as many heartfelt/sentimental goodbyes from students as I feel I usually do, the handful that I did have were really rewarding. I am still looking forward, however, to a new semester, with some new readings, and new students. Hopefully I'll remember that in all the craziness of grading, packing, and trying to finalize my syllabi for next semester. Really, though, teaching is the best part of this whole graduate school experience, at least for me.



On another note...I made my way to Georgetown on Sunday (can we say crazy traffic and parking!) to see the PostSecret showing. I'm glad that I made time to see it. Ever since I learned about PostSecret and visited it for the first time I've been hooked. On one hand my fandom feels like a morbid fascination, but on the other, I know that I'm also drawn to the site and the project, as many others are, because of my own, untold secrets. I definately want to get the book.




Lastly (for now) I just have to say, I've been smoke-free for the last 9 days.

What Feels So Good Can't Be All That Bad, Right?

Although I thought I might, I didn't end up going out last night after all. The promise of dancing and watching a drag king show were tempting, but just not enough.

While sometimes I worry that I'm too much of a home-body, and do too good a job of isolating myself from others, this morning is not one of those times.

I'm so glad that I've taken Sunday mornings for myself this semester. I did it initially in order to attend meetings (which I have, for the most part). But my gratitude extends beyond having the time to go to meetings. Ultimately, taking Sundays off has meant taking time for myself.

For instance, this morning I awoke at 7am, read in bed until I finished my latest fun fiction reading book (The Penultimate Peril), then I made myself a breakfast sandwich (sourdough toast, mayo, fake bacon, cheddar cheese, and over-medium eggs) and poured myself some immunity defense orange juice. I even had time to tidy up the kitchen and load and run the dishwasher. Now I'm catching the end of Kate and Leopold, which probably isn't among my all-time favorite movies, but which is just perfect this morning. Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman in a story about the illusiveness of romance, and the need to take a leap towards love--not bad for first thing Sunday morning.

The best thing is, I still have so much of the day ahead of me.

I think I might just go to a meeting. Then, maybe off to study until 2pm, when the PostSecret showing will open. Then, of course, my holiday work party is tonight, where I'll get to go bowling for the first time in ages.

I feel so excited, for all the things I may still do today. And yet, I also feel confident that if I do no more today than what I have already done, I will still feel satisfied at the day I've had.

Lemony Snicket on Forgiveness

"When someone has disappointed you...it is often difficult to decide whether to continue their acquaintance, even if the disappointers have done noble things in the meantime. There are some who say that you should forgive everyone, even the people who have disappointed you immeasurably. There are others who say you should not forgive anyone, and should stomp off in a huff no matter how many times they apologize. Of these two philosophies, the second one is of course much more fun, but it can also grow exhausting to stomp off in a huff every time someone has disappointed you, as everyone disappoints everyone eventually, and one can't stomp off in a huff every minute of the day."

From The Penultimate Peril pgs.194-195

Taking My Last Drag

I'm not proud to admit it, but I've been an occassional smoker for the past decade. Before that, I grew up in a household where my father and brother smoked inside. Ironically, I only started smoking after I left my childhood home.

More to the point, I started smoking after I had started to come out as a lesbian, primarily as a way to socialize with other dykes. Years later I then learned to turn to smoking as a stress-reliever, from school work, my various service industry part-time jobs, and personal problems (read: dyke drama).

A pack usually lasts me a couple of weeks, and it's not uncommon to go several days without smoking anything at all. I definitely feel better when I don't smoke, and notice unpleasant side-effects from smoking (additional phlegm, mostly--I know, a little tmi). But, once again I've decided to try and quit.



I want to quit because I know it's better for my health. (I've finally gotten health insurance and so now that I can semi-afford to go to the doctor, I feel the urge to take better care of myself.)

I want to quit because I could put the money spent on cigarettes to better use. (I want to be able to indulge in new books and music--something to expand my mind instead of rot my lungs.)

I want to quit because I don't want to depend on cigarettes to be social. (I'm pretty shy and introverted, so I could use all the help I can get, but I'm realizing that being a smoking wall flower isn't all that helpful.)

I want to quit because about 56% of lesbians are current or former smokers compared with 36% of women in general. And, a 1999 house-hold based survey found that 48.5% of gay and bisexual men reported smoking. The national average for straight men is 28.6%. (Now, I wouldn't normally choose to compare myself to "women in general" or "average straight men" but the message is clear--a disproportionate percentage of queers are smokers. I want to go against the odds and join the non-smoking queer population.)

I want to quit because I'm not willing to date a smoker, and I don't think anybody should be willing to date me if I'm a smoker. (Currently I'm single.)

I want to quit because I know better than to be lured by slick advertising campaigns. (In fact, part of what I teach is about critically reading advertisements. I want to be a respected teacher, and so I want to walk my talk and take action to stop smoking.)

I want to quit because things do smell and taste better to non-smokers!!!

Some resources for lgbt folks who similarly want to lead a tabacoo-free life:
http://www.gaysmokeout.net/index.html
http://www.ciggybuttz.com/index.html

Capital Punishment is NOT the Answer

I was stunned late last night when I was on the phone with a friend who told me about Stanley "Tookie" Williams' scheduled execution this evening. Sadly, I was stunned not because someone was scheduled to be executed; rather, it was because of my own ignorance about the recent prevalence of scheduled executions.

In my own area, (unfortunately) just last week Maryland executed Wesley E. Baker, and the week before that (thankfully) Virginia governor, Mark Warner, granted clemency to Robin Lovitt.

I'm not sure what more I can say at this moment except that I'm terribly disappointed to be living in a country where capital punishment continues to be legal in the face of indisputable racism pervasive in our society, including, but by no means limited to our criminal "justice" system, our formal political system, and our education system.

Haunted by American Son

I finished reading Brian Ascalon Roley’s novel, American Son, a couple of weeks ago, and have been struggling with writing about it since. It has seemed to haunt me. While I wouldn’t necessarily say this about being haunted in all situations, in this case, it’s a good kind of haunting. It’s the kind of haunting that reflects how deeply Roley’s novel was able to affect me. Powerful stuff here.

I’ve read other texts by Filipino authors before, including but not limited to Jessica Hagedorn (Dogeaters) and Nice Rodriguez (Throw it to the River), but without the same effect. American Son was particularly touching to me because the one-and-a-half generation immigrant status of Gabe and Tomas is one I also share, as well as the California upbringing. That’s the extent of my life’s similarities with those of Gabe and Tomas’, but I found Roley’s depiction of the tensions and struggles faced by us one-and-a-half generation immigrants immensely poignant.

Even now, weeks removed from my reading of the text, I still find myself thinking back to Roley’s vivid portrayals: of dinner with relatives where tensions are running high alongside efforts to keep face; of how being sent back to the Philippines was seen as a panacea for all the wrong/American ways immigrant kids adopt; of trying to fit in with classmates; of (mis-) adventures with sun-in; and of the hope (accompanied by sacrifice) of parents so that we children might have the chance at something better. These are just some of the things that spoke specifically to me.

On the whole, however, Roley’s novel is remarkable because of his focus on biraciality. Biracial and multi-racial realities have long existed for many, but it seems that it is only very recently that they are coming into greater focus and attention. The exploits in American Son of Tomas and Gabe living out their mestizo (white & Filipino) realities, intentionally and unintentionally passing as white and/or Chicano, and of being Filipino, American, and Filipino-American paint a picture I haven’t seen nearly enough of.

I will have to say, though, while this story is more Gabe’s (from who’s perspective the story is told), I was left wanting for more of Tomas’ story. It’s there, but elusively so. He’s the son that brings money into the household by means that are best coupled by family members’ active denial. He’s the son that is in many ways a disappointment to his mother, yet simultaneously fiercely protective of her. It’s his story, of an Asian American who finds himself outside of the black/white binary of race in the U.S. and responds by making himself into a Chicano that really piqued my interest. I look forward to more texts from all genres exploring the connections between Filipinos and Chicanos, and of Filipino-Chicano mixed-race realities.

Power Writing Session

Whew! Talk about where panic gets you, and where procrastination doesn't. Just finished a revision of my dissertation prospectus after sitting at my computer for the last 8 hours.

I'm supposed to be meeting with my five person dissertation committee on Dec. 20th for my prospectus defense. I had said back at the end of October that I'd send out the draft of my prospectus that I'd be "defending" by Dec. 6. Well, that didn't happen. It just didn't. It probably could have. But it didn't.

In any case, I've been working on it on and off since the end of October. Okay, perhaps more off than on. But still, it's only the 10th, there's still plenty of time for folks to read it. I've already sent them all an earlier draft. And only one person out of the five said they wanted me to change that earlier draft. I figured that meant the other four were already on board, without changes. Apparently, it doesn't mean that at all.

Frankly, I have no idea what it means when they don't ask for changes of an earlier draft, but then get all freaky they haven't seen the subsequent revision. Funny thing is this...when I was shopping my earlier draft around, they all took three weeks to over a month to get around to sitting down to read it (which then they probably spent an hour, maybe two, reading and commenting on) and get back to me, but now I'm looking like the one who's bad with time. It sucks.

I don't want to be seen as the one who's late with stuff, and irresponsible. I got it done when I could. I really did. That's good enough for me. I just wish it were good enough for them.

Whoever came up with PhD standing for Piled Higher and Deeper wasn't joking! Speaking of which, to check out the popular comic strip about life (or the lack thereof) in grad school titled "Piled Higher and Deeper," go to http://www.phdcomics.com



Let's hope it goes this well!

Left My Heart on the West Coast

I was just procrastinating more by blog surfing when I ran across someone's blog full of scenic pictures. Made me nostalgic for my own, so here goes.



Can't wait to get back in two weeks!



Not my favorite So. Cal. beach, but still better than the ones I've been to on the east coast.

I Heart Keith Haring

I should be working more diligently at this very moment on the revision of my dissertation proposal, which I'm scheduled to defend on Dec. 20th, but I'm taking a quick break to show off my latest in Keith Haring wearable art. For more on Haring, see http://www.haring.com



Just in case you can't read it, it says:

To Big Brother
and the war makers,
To the racists and
women haters,
To the gay-bashers
and welfare slashers,
To the prison-builders
and executioners,
We say the
future is not yours!
We will
Refuse & Resist!

www.refuseandresist.org

Blogthings--Pizza Personality

I was randomly surfing blogs when I saw someone's blogthing posting. http://www.blogthings.com offers a variety of silly, little, amusing quizzes. Yet another on-line distraction to help me procrastinate on writing my disseration, and other substantion posts (as if the spider solitare on my computer wasn't enough!). Still, they're entertaining enough to share.

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting. You focus on living a quality life. You're not easily impressed with novelty. Yet, you easily impress others.

What's Your Pizza Personality?