Be careful with your credit

It makes sense that unless you've been taught about credit, you probably don't know a lot about it.

And who teaches us about credit?

I think I learned about credit mostly from reading the fine print of credit card applications and account statements. And who really ever reads those things that closely? (Score one for attention to detail, aka anal retentiveness.)

My family was always a cash family growing up. Using cash is a good thing in the sense that it prevents running up credit card debt. But, using cash can work against you in the sense that you don't build up a good credit history, which can make getting credit harder in the future.

Of course, while having credit and using it responsibly to build a good credit history, you can always err on the extreme of having too much credit. Too much credit liability (the amount, or credit line, that banks extend to you) is actually a bad thing because it means you present a risk of getting into more debt than you are actually able to handle. (For example, credit card companies will gladly extend you $8000 in credit even if you tell them you only make $10,000 a year.)

And, all debt is not created equal. Credit card debt is one of the worse kinds of debt to have, even if you keep up with payments and paying off your entire balance. Paying off student loans and car loans, on the other hand, work to better build your credit score by showing that you are capable of consistently making payments.

But, if you are going to have credit card debt, then for goodness sakes, don't have department store credit cards--go for visa, mastercard, discover, or american express. Store credit cards often seem like really good deals, especially when stores offer a 20% discount on the purchases you make the day you sign up for the card. But, their interest rates are often twice as much, and often even more, than non-store-affiliated cards. I used to think that I could just open a card at a department store to use the discount and then when I got the bill, pay it off and cancel the card. This strategy gets you a discount, but it also weakens your credit score because of the fleeting nature of your credit history. Staying with one or two companies for a longer amount of time is much better than getting new cards every year for building up good credit history.

And you all know that making the "minimum payment" required by companies will never get you out of credit card debt, right? The minimum payment just makes credit card companies richer because you pay them more interest. So, always pay off as much as you can, and ideally keep your balances at zero.

Okay, so why the rant about credit?

I was watching a couple of transguys videos on youtube.com and they were talking about putting their top surgery on their credit cards, and/or having such bad credit that they weren't able to.

I know plenty of guys who have done just this, and if that's your choice, then so be it. But, being an older transman, as much as I'd like surgery, I just can't put myself in that kind of risky financial position. I may be overly cautious here, or just too practically minded. I'm trying to find a balance, because I'm beginning to feel like people around me are wondering more and more why I haven't started taking hormones yet, and why I haven't set a surgery date. (I'm still trying to get the point across that there are many different ways of being trans, but it's VERY slow going.)

True, I could do like some other guys I know and stop going out, be really good about saving all my money, and get a second/third job to get enough cash together. From what they told me, it was hard, but they did it because they felt it would be worth it in the end. I like enjoying my present life, even though I'm looking forward to other things in the future, too. I just don't think I could give up that much now--reminds me of that story of how if you have one foot in the future, and one in the past, all you do is piss on the present. I love so many things about my present, and I want to enjoy it to the fullest, and that means spending some money now, even if that means I can't save as much as fast for later.

Who knows how I'll feel six months or a year from now, though...

In the mean time, if you are interested, go get your free credit report at https://www.annualcreditreport.com/, where it's actually free (instead of other websites that make you sign-up for stuff that isn't free to get your free credit report).

On a Clear Day

On a clear day,
rise and look around you,
and you'll see who you are.

On a clear day,
how it will astound you
That the glow of your being outshines every star.

You'll feel part of every mountain,
sea and shore,
You can hear from far and near a word you've never heard before.

On a clear day,
on a clear day,
you can see forever,
and ever, and ever more.

It's not the foggiest city in the world, but there really aren't clear days in Daly City...

Still, there's something about being at Fort Funston that makes me feel all that the song describes.

SF Trans March

Looking forward to attending my 2nd SF Trans Rally and March tomorrow!

Back "home"

I'm back in the San Francisco Bay Area after a two year absence--back "home" in Daly City.

It's always such a weird experience being "home"--keeping up with the changes in the nieces and nephews as they've grown (and, been born) since my last visit; joining/disturbing the routine of the house; going to old hangouts and haunts, some which have stayed exactly the same, others which are almost unrecognizable; experiencing both belonging and not belonging constantly.

I will always like, though, the feeling of being around so many other Filipinos. I like the sea of brown faces I get to see all around me, and the concert of tagalog, taglish, and Filipino accented-English conversations I get to hear.

Maybe I’m actually learning to let go?

“Letting go” is certainly a topic I’ve touched on before here (want to know more, use the search function at the top of the page to search for “letting go”). Apparently, it’s a reoccurring theme (nightmare?) in my life. Perhaps something I’m bound to repeat until I finally get it “right.” Karma, reincarnation, etc...however you try to make sense of it, I may yet be getting there, as slow as the case may be.

It’s been almost a year and a half now since I came out as trans-identified. Some things haven’t changed (still non-ho and non-op), but others have (the name I go by, the pronouns I prefer, and the amount of work I put into trying to be understood and recognized as I’d like to be).

I was talking with a friend a while ago about how I thought, as transmen who were relatively new in coming out as trans, that we’d soon enough find ourselves changing in ways we didn’t expect and/or want to in order to be acknowledged for the men we saw ourselves as. He strongly disagreed, saying how much he didn’t want to be anything other than who he is, even if that meant being a different kind of man than most other men.

I wish I had his conviction, and his ability to follow through.

One of the things I never expected when it came to how people around me read gender is the significance of earrings. Coming from communities in California that are no strangers to body modifications, both in the form of tattoos and body piercings, I never understood earrings to be gendered as feminine, especially since I had long ago stretched my ears and wore relatively large-gauged jewelry.

In the context of California communities I inhabited, I don’t think such jewelry would be about gender, but about other cultural markings, but here in the DC area, earrings seemed to consistently be the telling sign to others that I was assigned a girl at birth.

When reading Jamison Green’s chapter “Body of Knowledge” in his book Becoming a Visible Man with my Introduction to LGBT students, we began discussion by talking about the things that we all do to gender ourselves in particular ways. Students, of all genders, specified earrings as something they did to display their femininity.

In that moment, I felt defeated.

I went home and took my earrings out (and other body jewelry), and haven’t put them back in since.

(It felt more traumatic than how simple/neutral it seems seeing it in print here.)

And, sad to say, the lack of earrings does seem to have a positive effect in being recognized more often as a man. (More on when I pass and when I don’t later.)

One of my female co-workers with stretched ears noticed that I hadn’t been wearing my earrings and lamented at the loss of them. My loss, though, has turned into her gain.

After more than a dozen years of accumulating body jewelry, I finally parted with them just a couple of days ago, when I passed them onto her for her birthday.

It was actually really hard. She had wanted them for some time, but I just wasn’t ready to part with them. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to them—ready to succumb to people’s gendered notions that earrings are feminine. But in the end, it wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight anymore. There are so many battles I feel like I’m fighting right now, I just couldn’t keep fighting for the gender neutrality of earrings. And, with this past Friday having been her birthday, it seemed good timing and a good occasion to finally let go, and I did just that.

I hope she enjoys them as much as I have, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss them. Still, it’ll be nice to see them “live on” with/through her. I definitely couldn’t imagine just throwing them away even if I wasn’t ever going to wear them again, not with a value of over $300, so here’s to being green, and recycling and reusing!

Brooklyn Museum

Went to see the Takashi Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum last month.



I didn't really know what to expect, never having seen his work before, but it was pretty cool. I enjoyed the large scale of his "canvas" work, and thought the sculptures were fantastic, especially the Second Mission Project ko. His jellyfish eyes and mushrooms were interesting, but I think the images of his alter ego, DOB, were by far my favorite.



The bonus was that upon waiting to enter the Murakami exhibit, I realized that the Brooklyn Museum is the permanent home of Judy Chicago's The Dinner Party. It was something I used to teach about in my "Women, Art, and Culture" course. I never expected that I'd see it in person, though, so I'm glad I did have the opportunity.



Yay for the Brooklyn Museum!

Good Eats

I'm a poor student, but certainly not a starving one. In fact, when it comes to my budget, and where I choose to spend my money, food is certainly an area where I splurge.

Case in point, my last trip to New York City included dinner at Nobu. And, it wasn't just any old Nobu dinner (as if any dinner there were ordinary!), but rather extra-ordinary because I was having the Omakase, a multi-course chef's choice special. And let me tell you, it was more than delicious! And, despite my controlling/planning-oriented self, it was delightful to wait and see what each successive course would be.

Now that's saying something.

And, if the food weren't enough, our party of two was seated at a table for four, which really, seems unheard of at a place like Nobu, unless you're a star like Denzel Washington, who, by the way, was seated just next to us (with Washington in full view of me).


(we were seated along the the windows, on the left)

What a wonderful evening!

Candle 79 Coffee Rocks!

I'll be the first to admit, I'm a planner. So, wandering around to see what's there, is something I don't often do--especially when it comes to food. (Trust me, when I get too hungry, it's not pretty.)

But, on my last trip to New York City, on my way to the Skarstedt Gallery to see an exhibit of Keith Haring's works (which I never did get to see since the gallery was closed), I was fortunate to stumble upon Candle 79.



Honestly, it was relatively early on a Saturday morning (11ish), and for a city as big as NYC, the streets were pretty quite, and after wandering for a while trying to find a place to eat, I thought I might just have to give up and go to Starbucks.

In fact, I was crossing the street to get on the same side as the Starbucks when I glimpsed Candle 79. The menu was full of interesting things (too many, perhaps), and while I wasn't ecstatic about what I eventually chose, I liked it well enough then, and well enough now to write about it.

What I will rave about, however, is their coffee. It was SO good, I sat there and had as many cups as my stomach could stand (maybe even more!). I wish I knew what it was...I still dream about it!

Celebrating Keith Haring

This past May 4th would have been the 50th birthday of Keith Haring, if he were still living today.



I can't even begin to imagine the art that he might have produced, and the other work he might have done, if his life hadn't been cut so short by AIDS.

In addition to the party, and other AIDS fundraisers, held to celebrate his life, the Skarstedt Gallery in NYC is having an exhibit (until June 28) of a collection of his works.

I was SO disappointed that on my most recent trip to NYC over Memorial Day weekend, the gallery was closed! I had it all planned out: traveled into Manhattan from Brooklyn, started the day off with breakfast/brunch, only to come upon the closed door of the gallery. There was nothing on the gallery's website OR their voicemail OR their door to even indicate that they were taking the long-weekend off. :(

So instead, later that day I headed to SOHO to see the mural recreated at Houston and Bowery by The Keith Haring Foundation, in cooperation with Deitch Projects and Goldman Properties.



It was definitely cool to see the mural, even if it was a recreation. Besides, one of the things that I love about Haring was his philosophy that art should be for everyone--accessible to everyone in every way, including through such reproductions. (Still, I can't wait for the next time there's a Haring exhibit I can get to!)

I want to believe

A friend of mine is scheduled to teach a course titled “Sexuality and Cyberspace” this coming fall. She flattered me by asking for my current “Introduction to LGBT Studies” syllabus because she wants to make her course a defacto introduction to lgbt and queer studies. I know that my current syllabus won’t be of any help to her, but it’s very exciting to think about what materials would be useful in such a class.

One of the things that came to my mind immediately is the presence of transpeople on the internet, in terms of the amount of information that is available on-line, but more so the on-line communities and support systems that have been created.

In particular I’ve been thinking about youtube.com and all the transguys videos’ that I’ve been able to see. There’s a sense of guys making videos to document things for themselves, but the larger sentiment is that they are offering themselves, their stories, for others. This has been such a gift for me, and many others.

I applaud these guys’ willingness and courage to offer such intimate parts of themselves to no one in particular, and everyone at the same time.

I wish I had the same courage.

But, whenever I think about what my first video might be, the little courage I have is weakened.

Most guys’ first video seems to follow the convention of, “Here’s what I look like and sound like after ‘x amount of time’ on T.” Much of the documentation that youtube provides in regards to transpeople is specifically one about physical changes over time.

I’m reminded of Loren Cameron’s book Body Alchemy, and how he used his photography to document the physical changes in his body as he transitioned—for himself, for his family, his friends, his community. It’s powerful stuff, being witness to such striking (physical) change.

Seeing is believing.

So then, what does that mean for what we can’t see?

I want to believe that there’s a place in the trans community for non-op, non-ho transpeople. I KNOW we exist…I just don’t know for how long any of us can survive.

One of these days, though, I’ll have the courage to make my video...and it’ll start, “this is how I look, and how I sound, being the non-ho, non-op transman that I am.”

All of Me

The moment that I came out to another person as trans is still very clear in my mind.

I was talking to a friend who had just come out to me as trans, and he asked whether or not what he had been telling me was out there, ridiculous, and shocking. I remember feeling very calm and telling him, “no, because I feel the same way.”

His coming out to me was the community, encouragement, and support I needed to further explore how I had been feeling. It wasn’t the first time that I had ever talked to someone about having trans feelings, but it was the first time I claimed the identity as my own.

Since then, I feel like I’ve been fighting to get others to recognize and acknowledge that I identify as trans.

Telling people hasn’t proven entirely effective...I don’t know if this is because I haven’t told everyone, and so those I have told don’t feel it’s “real enough.” Mostly I think it’s because I haven’t started hormone therapy, and haven’t had surgery, so people haven’t “seen” any changes, and so don’t recognize me as anything other than the “woman” they knew.

I’d love to have top surgery (aka double mastectomy). Give me $8000, time off of work to recuperate, someone to take care of me post-op, and a guarantee that my status as a naturalized U.S. citizen won’t in any way be jeopardized, and I’m there.

But, in light of being over $20,000 in debt in school loans, and working two jobs only to live paycheck to paycheck, I don’t see surgery as a financial possibility in the near future.

Hormones would certainly be more immediately affordable. And, given the amount of change (masculinization) that testosterone would likely have on me, it certainly seems like an attractive course of treatment. But, I don’t know enough about the long-term effects of testosterone, and I just don’t feel comfortable enough to subject my body to that at this moment.

If I could get people to recognize me as a transman with my body as-is, that would be ideal. I just don’t know if I’m willing to do things that I’m not ready for, just to have that. I guess eventually things will get to the point where I’ll feel like I HAVE to do things that right now I don’t think are necessary.

I’m beginning to realize that I’ll need to do a lot that I don’t want to, and that I will lose people, ties, etc. that have meant a lot to me on this journey.

It’s cruelly ironic, actually--I come out as trans thinking that I’ll finally get to be more myself, only to find that I becoming who I want means having to give up so much of who I am and have been.

I used to criticize how the recommended treatment for transsexuals involved transpeople’s disavowal and distancing of their pasts. Now I’m seeing the value of disappearing the old me in order to have the new me recognized.

The sad thing is that it’s ALL me.

---------
I’m reminded here of the 1999 film, All of Me, starring Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin, and of course the title song.

“All of Me” by Diana Ross (from the album Diana Ross & The Supremes: The No. 1’s)

All of me
Why not take all of me
Can’t you see
I’m no good without you

Take my lips
I want to lose them
Take my arms
Ill never use them

Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on, dear, without you

You took the part
That once was my heart
So why not take all of me

Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on, dear, without you

You took the part
That once was my heart
So why not take all of me

First there are firsts, but eventually there are lasts

So, it's been AGES since I last posted. I just haven't sat down to do it...partly because of time (and spending it working and/or with people instead of at my computer alone), partly because I've been letting thoughts marinate, and partly because there's so much that I really want to blog about that's SO serious that I just haven't "gone there."

I still don't know that I'm ready to "go there" right now (are any of us really ever ready for it?), but I guess I should try...

In my last post, one theme was "firsts." I realized last night that eventually with firsts there come lasts...(again, for better or worse).

This week we are celebrating DC's Capital Pride 2008. For the past several years, I've celebrated pride with the local queer asian women's group, APIQS. And, in all honestly, some of the best prides that I've had here in DC have been with the women of APIQS--celebrating alongside of them gave me the feeling of community and belonging.

Last night, I joined them once again in order to prepare for this year's upcoming pride festivities.

Admitedly, it did take me a LONG time before I came out to any fellow members that I was trans-identified, but I DID still do it. They seem to have adjusted to my name change, but definitely haven't gotten the hang of the male pronouns I prefer. And, last night, it seemed as if I was just "one of the girls."

It actually made me kind of sad inside.

Sad because I felt invisible as a transman.

Sad becuase I began to realize the differences and distances between queer women and queer men.

Sad because I no longer felt like I belonged, or that they were my community.

Sad because I don't think I can continue to be a member (or an active one, anyway).

I'm glad the group seems to be doing well through its leadership change, and that there seems to be an increase in member's energy and activity. I think groups like this are important; even though lots of non-API queer women might be excluded to some degree, I've always felt safe space (necessarily segregated at times) is important.

What's hard to deal with are the ways in which this group still does feel like my community (it'll forever be a part of my past), while at the same time coming face to face with the ways that it's not.

We may co-sponsor things with the men's group, AQUA (A/PI Queers United for Action), but there is certainly a sex and gender divide.

I fear losing this racial community as I embrace more fully my transness.

But, for now, for the sake of pride, I plan on enjoying this last pride with the sisters of APIQS as much as I can...