The God Box by Alex Sanchez

Despite six years of CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) in my youth, I never felt confident in my knowledge of Catholicism, or even of the (Christian) Bible. In fact, it’s really only been in the last couple of years that I’ve listened and learned in such a way that I feel able to begin to speak coherently about Jesus’ teachings and what the Bible says.

(I still have so much to learn, but I definitely feel as if I’m off to a good start!)

Certainly, when I was in high school, my knowledge didn’t include being about to quote specific passages from the Bible, or reference specific books, chapters, and verses as the characters in Alex Sanchez’s The God Box do with seeming ease.

We get a glimpse of how the main character, Paul (Pablo) came to ask Jesus to come live in his heart (44-46) after his father, who had turned to alcohol to (not) deal with the death of his wife/Paul’s mother, had invited Jesus into his heart to help make him new. How the other characters developed their sense of faith, spirituality, and religion, however aren’t really explored.

Although to some degree the lack of this background information makes the world Sanchez establishes for this novel more foreign to me, at the same time it’s refreshing that religion/Christianity is such a prominent factor in The God Box that it is naturalized in many ways. Beginning here is exactly what allows us to go through the journey of Paul’s reconciliation of Christianity and homosexuality in the course of the book. If Sanchez had taken the time to try and give us the personal religious history of his characters, he wouldn’t have had the time to address the passages that are too often used to condemn homosexuality, or the passages that are too often overlooked to convey God’s love for us all.

The discussions among and between characters around these sets of passages is but one of the many accomplishments in Sanchez’s The God Box. That these discussions are taking place among young adults adds to their significance. The manner in which Sanchez is able to convey his characters’ devotion as well as their deep critical thinking and questioning of the Bible is inspiring. I admire conviction and passion in people, and Sanchez makes clear the extent to which Paul, Manuel, and Angie exude these things in relationship to their Christianity.

The rigor with which the characters in The God Box explore and interpret various passages of the Bible was alluring, and served to connect me not only to the novel’s characters, but also to the Christian message of love and acceptance of all.

Having come into my own as a queer Catholic these past couple of years, The God Box certainly provided me with information on interpretations of the Bible that clearly indicated God’s bottom line of love. More so, however, this latest novel by Alex Sanchez did wonders in confirming that I am not alone as a queer Catholic of color!

As always, some of my favorite passages:

Sanchez, Alex. The God Box. New York: Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers, 2007.

(46) I quickly grew to love this church. The music made me want to sing. The swaying and dancing gave me the feeling of worshipping with my whole body, not just my thoughts.

(65) “What’s unnatural is homophobia. Homo sapiens is the only species in all of nature that responds with hate to homosexuality.”

(68) “You know the most amazing thing about Jesus?” Manuel exclaimed. “It’s not that he performed miracles. It’s that he was who he was, no matter what. He raged at religious leaders, questioned prophets, and challenged teachers to stop being dishonest hypocrites, knowing he’d get slammed for it. Jesus hung out with outcasts and sinners because they weren’t pretending to be anything other than who they were. He had the courage to be himself, every time he encountered anyone—whether it was a leper of a temple leader, a fisherman or a rich young ruler. He was true to who he was—always and everywhere—and that’s what he calls us to do. To follow Jesus means that we’ve got to be real.”

(68-69) “Don’t you see?” Manuel’s voice filled with passion. “Jesus [end page 68] didn’t only command us to love God, one another, and ourselves. He showed us how: by being himself, by being real, whether he was accepting the cheers of the palm-waving crowd or later hanging on the cross, questioning God and forgiving those who jeered him. His message stayed the same: Be true to who you are, knowing the cost. How else can you worship the Creator of all being, the great ‘I am,’ except by being the person that God created you to be? Have the guts to be real!”

(71) “I think we’ve created God in our image, instead of the other way around. It’s like we’ve built this little box and tried to cram the infinity of God into it, too afraid that if we let him out, she might challenge us too much.”

(106) “It’s not always easy to give thanks…” Pastor’s voice was solemn. “But that’s what God calls us to do. Because those tough things are what break our hearts open and allow Jesus to come inside.”

(198) “God is great, Pablito. Don’t be afraid to be angry with him. Let him know what’s in your heart—all of it. He can take it. He can take more than you could ever give him. Just don’t give up.”

(225) It wasn’t a hard kiss, or very long, but it held my whole heart. And with that gentle kiss, all my doubts, guilt, and uncertainties vanished for a moment, replaced by a million possibilities. This was how it was supposed to feel: natural and real. It was how I was supposed to feel—to have life and have it more abundantly.

(228) “I need you to teach me how to love.”
“You already know that,” he whispered back, tears running down his own cheeks. “You’re born knowing that. You just needed to learn to let it out.”

(238) “Amigo,” Manuel insisted. “Are you ever going to stop living in fear?” He raised his finger and wagged it at me, preaching: “’For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.’”

(247) One other big change is that I’ve started going by Pablo once more, instead of Paul, and I’ve started speaking Spanish again. Those are small steps in reclaiming my Mexican heritage, but huge pieces in making me whole.

Happy 35th Anniversary Dignity/Washington

This past Sunday marked Dignity/Washington’s 35th anniversary. While I’ve known of Dignity’s existence since moving to DC eight years ago, it wasn’t until March 2006 that I finally got myself to my first mass. I’m proud to say that today I continue to be a member of Dignity/Washington.

During our anniversary mass, I offered a prayer of thanks for being able to be a part of the Dignity community. Even in the years when I didn’t attend mass regularly, I had a personal relationship with God. But, having the privilege to worship in a community of welcoming people has truly let me know that I’m not alone, which is priceless.

I’ve been moved more and more this past year to increase my involvement, and I have to say it feels REALLY good. (I’m working my way up to being an acolyte…perhaps to make up for not having been allowed to be an altar boy when I was growing up.)

It feels so good, in fact, that I’ve made it a point to be more vocal about my faith. (See for yourself, search my blog for “dignity,” “religion,” “mass,” etc.)

One context I especially like coming out as a queer catholic in is my classroom. So much of what I teach in introduction to LGBT Studies and introduction to Women’s Studies is so often considered taboo. To some degree, I see it as my mission to assign readings and facilitate discussions on exactly these taboo subjects and issues; room for their expression has to be made somewhere!

One of the things I was surprised to hear Alex Sanchez talk about at a book signing event for his recently published novel, The God Box, was the ways in which librarians have had to fight to get his books into their libraries, and to keep them there.

It amazes me that in 2007 we must continue to fight for the freedom to read.

(For starters see this one blog dedicated to discussing censorship.)

Thanks to all the authors and artists for using their creativity to provoke our thoughts, and to all the librarians, museum curators, etc. for facilitating our access to these creative works.

And, of course, thanks to all the organizations and institutions like Dignity/Washington who in their continued existence make manifest a place where such often misunderstood and/or maligned “taboos” are no longer marginalized, but rather acknowledged and nurtured.

(coming soon, more about The God Box)

Alex Sanchez in person!

Last Wednesday I had the opportunity to see Alex Sanchez in person at the Dupont Circle location of Lambda Rising as he toured to promote his most recent book, The God Box.

I’ve been a fan of Sanchez’s since I read Rainbow Boys, and only grew to like his writing more when So Hard to Say was published and I got to read a young adult novel not centered on white teens that also had gay characters.

When I saw that Sanchez’s latest novel once again tackled intersections so often overlooked—-youth, sexuality, race, and religion—-my admiration for him as an author grew.

Seeing him in person exceeded my expectations.

Over the years, I’ve seen a handful of authors reading at Lambda Rising. Usually, I’m quite intimidated by authors...I am generally shy anyway, but coming face to face with an author you only know through words on a page makes for all kinds of shy and awkward on my part.

Sanchez’s demeanor was quiet and yet also strong, and he had an uncanny ability of making eye contact in a way that left me feeling genuinely welcome. He began by talking about the some of the letters he received from gay teens after the Rainbow books were published, thanking him for his novels and for letting them know they weren’t alone. Then he read the first chapter and opened up the floor for a question and answer period.

During the Q & A Sanchez talked with some detail about his writing process. What he had to say put me at ease about my own (dissertation) writing in a way dissertation writing workshops I’ve attended at my university never have. I felt peaceful, confident, and driven to write.

After the Q & A, he took his position in front of a long line to begin signing books. It was amazing to stand in line and eavesdrop on those ahead of me, sharing themselves with Sanchez as a way to reciprocate all that he had given them through his novel. I, of course, tried to do the same when my turn came, hoping that I was able to convey to him how much his writing has touched me, and helped me to continue on my own journey to touch others. He was kind and gentle in the way he accepted our stories as thanks for telling his, and full of grace as he tackled the task of personalizing our books.

It was great! Thanks Alex!!!

(more on The God Box later)

The start of a new era

A longer post about change later, but for now a picture of it...

Happy Fall Friday

I thought that after my ranting post yesterday, I'd start off today on a different note. So, here's another fall leaf I couldn't resist picking up when I was out this morning, and just one of the many songs I love from the Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack

Artist: Gomez
Song: How We Operate


Calm down
And get straight
It's not our eyes
It's how we operate

You're true
You are
I'd apologize but it won't go very far

Please come here
Come right on over
And when we collide we'll see what gets left over

A little joy
A little sorrow
And a little pride so we won't have to borrow
Wherever you lead, I'll follow

Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way

Please come here
Please come on over
There is no line that you can't step right over
Without you well I'm left hollow
So can we decide to try a little joy tomorrow
'Cos baby tonight I'll follow

Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way

The way that we've been speaking now
I swear that we'd be friends, I swear
'Cos all these little deals go down with
Little consequences, we share, we share

Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way

And I'm gonna love you anyway
Try to see things your way
Try to see things your way
Try to see things your way

Eradicate/Multiply Gender

Colluding against gender freedom

It’s a shame that we don’t all have freedom over our own gender expressions, and it’s a tragedy every time someone is discriminated, oppressed, or attacked verbally, physically, emotionally, and otherwise when ze does not conform to contemporary gender role norms.

Given this, it was good to read the New York Times story of Khadijah Farmer, a self-identified lesbian woman who got kicked out of a restaurant’s women’s restroom and filed a lawsuit against that restaurant based on gender discrimination (October 9, 2007; N.Y./Region)

I don’t doubt that Farmer’s lawsuit and more precisely, the NYT’s coverage of it have already gone a long way to raise awareness around the issue of gender discrimination. In fact, I was made aware of the article because a professor of mine ran across it, and wanted to incorporate it into her class discussion.

Television and print news media are certainly powerful mediums. Over the years, my introduction to LGBT Studies students have consistently remarked that we need to cover “current events.” What they mean is that they want us to spend class time talking about what they see on television and read in the newspapers.

Their desire is certainly one I understand, but not necessarily one I make a point to fulfill. (I do offer extra credit, however, that allows them to search for such current events in relationship to our course’s required readings.)

At times, my lack of making current events central disappoints students, but it’s a disappointment that I don’t mind, and even one I strategically invite.

News media is such an alluring medium that I often find students so engaged and engrossed that the story is being told at all that they don’t take the time or care to consider the way in which the story is being shaped and framed in particular ways. (Well, and this can be a hard thing to do, especially for those for whom the power of discourse has not been a focus area.)

Let me take the NYT article about Khadijah Farmer as case in point…

The opening paragraph makes clear that what makes this particular instance of gender discrimination noteworthy is that unlike other instances of bathroom-based gender discrimination this one seems to make no sense. I mean, it is so obviously ridiculous that they’d throw a woman out of a women’s restroom!

Too bad the author, Jennifer Lee, didn’t seem to understand that it is just as ridiculous to oust a person who identifies as a woman out of a women’s restroom, despite the sex/gender assigned to that person at birth.
And, of course we’d all be outraged that her ID wasn’t accepted by the bouncer who proceeded to escort her out of the restroom, and out of the restaurant.

Too bad, again, that there wasn’t room left for any sympathy for those of us who might not be able to produce such uncontestable ID.

I can understand how Farmer’s situation does lend itself to being “strategically important and potentially precedent-setting” in the eyes of the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. I understand trying to put together ideal “test cases” that have a high probability of favorable outcomes, I really do. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me a little sad each time these “ideal” cases are pushed forward/over others.

I know that in law setting precedents are important, and that setting good precedents can lead to larger, farther ranging change…but it still makes me cry a little inside when I feel as if I can see the compromises being made, and those at whose expense this is done, in order to get those initial precedents. It makes me sadder still when news media can be seen to be in collusion.

Okay, *getting off my soapbox* time for lunch.

Compliments

I was watching the "Reunion" episode of Top Chef this past weekend when I was struck by Howie's crying. He said that it's one thing to face the criticisms of others, but that what was really hard was to accept the compliments of others. Too true.

In the vein of trying to learn that it's okay to be loved, and to have others let you know they love you, I wanted to follow Howie's lead and share some touching compliments that I've been given, as well as given to others..

(in no particular order)

You're beautiful (beauty may only be skin deep, but its verbal acknowledgment goes deeper to touch the beauty of spirit and soul)

You're a true and loyal friend (being someone's "person" is a privilege beyond measure)

You're honest (because I've had enough lies and secrets)

You have passion and practicality (the best of both dreaming and living in the material world)

You captivate me (the sexiest compliment I've gotten)

You give good hugs (because physically intimate connections are necessary and precious)


(Having done this reminds me of the obituary written for John Cusack's character in Serendipity, and of the W.H. Auden poem "Stop All the Clocks" that's offered as the obituary in Four Weddings and a Funeral. May we all be fortunate enough to give and get such compliments while we're still alive!)

Five of my favorite things

Like most of us, as I meet new people and get to know them, and begin to let them know me, it seems only natural to share some of our favorite things.

So, here goes (in no particular order):

Watching the sunrise over the water of an east-facing beach
Bonfires at the beach on a slightly breezy, star-filled night
Sharing a long meal with a friend
The feel of a person's hand on my thigh while riding in a car
Singing with others

(Happy?) National Coming Out Day

So, here in the U.S. Oct. 11 marks National Coming Out Day.


At its core, NCOD has always seemed to me about increasing visibility in order to raise awareness; more specifically, about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people being honest and open with those around them about our lives in order to help those people become more accepting.

Of course, coming out shows a great deal of courage on the part of the person coming out, and signals self-acceptance. Here's to hoping that all those who come out today see our courage positively rewarded.

But, for those who come out today and meet with hostility and lack of acceptance, may we remember that we are not alone and have faith to persevere.

...

Over the years I've found my many own coming outs to be instances of both gain and loss. I doubt this year will be any different. May I show gratitude for all the gains, and acceptance for the losses.

Being at the Ball

Last Saturday, I volunteered at the Mautner Project's annual Gala Dinner and Reception.

The Mautner Project is a National Lesbian Health Organization whose goal is to serve lesbians and women who partner with women by giving information, as well as providing assistance in finding local and national health services.

I admire Mautner's attention to the intersections of gender, sexuality, and health, their work in trying to reach out to and provide services for lesbians and women who partner with women, and their efforts to educate other provides to give culturally competent health care. Not only do they speak to my feminist self, but also to my queer activist self, and of course, my basic humanity. Health care education and services need to be increased across the board, but I particularly commend Mautner, and other similar organizations, for the way in which they focus on historically under-served and overlooked populations.

It's amazing to think of the way in which The Mautner Project came into being...

The Mautner Project was founded in 1990 following the death of Mary-Helen Mautner in 1989 of breast cancer. Shortly before her death, Mary-Helen asked her partner, Susan Hester, to start an organization that could help other lesbians facing the overwhelming challenges of life-threatening illnesses.

A testament to how much change we can make happen.

In any case, in addition to wanting to support The Mautner Project, friends of mine are fans of their annual gala; I wanted to see for myself. While I couldn't quite afford the $175.00 gala ticket, I could afford to give of my time and labor, so I volunteered to help with the event. (I need to work on volunteering more consistently--there's so much work to be done, and so many who need help doing it!)

It was inspiring to see that the event drew over 600 attendees, and I hope that despite the complaints about the length of the dinner and dessert programs it was a successful fundraising event.

I felt privileged to be a part of the night's events--although at several moments of the evening I felt a bit out of sorts. (And I'm not even thinking here of the handful of moments when I was yelled at, or just not spoken to nicely in the course of being a volunteer.) More specifically, I felt out of sorts because I felt so invisible as a transman.

I can't say that I'm surprised...

...looking like this

It's true, I don't do enough to come out to people as trans, or to ask them to use male pronouns in reference to me. That all just feels so awkward. Sometimes I think that maybe I feel awkward because I don't feel trans "enough." Other times I just resent having to come out (yet again), because of the ways in which society has set up rigid dichotomies and assumptions around gender.

So, I guess I can't really expect people to be trans-sensitive if I don't come out explicitly as trans...but that just feels like such an unfair burden! (This reminds me exactly of the way in which bi-racial/multi-racial and bisexual people have to negotiate their way in the world, and of course, the fabulous book my friend Beverly Yuen Thompson, Ph.D. wrote on "bi-bi girls.")

I guess with National Coming Out Day being tomorrow, these things are weighing heavily on my mind...

Time to Change

Remember this from The Brady Bunch?

Quite apropos for the moment.

"Time to Change"
Words and music by R. Bloodworth, C. Welch, B. Mechel

Sha na na na na na na na na,
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na,
Sha na na na na.

Autumn turns to winter,
And winter turns to spring.
It doesn't go just for seasons you know,
It goes for everything.

The same is true for voices,
When boys begin to grow.
You gotta take a lesson from Mother Nature,
And if you do you'll know.

Chorus:
When it's time to change (when it's time to change),
Don't fight the tide, go along for the ride,
Don't ya see.
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange,
Who you are and what you're gonna be.
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na

Day by day you're facing the changes you've been through,
A little bit of living, a little bit of growing all adds up to you.
Every boy's a man inside,
A girl a woman too.
And if you want to reach your destiny,
Then here's what you can do.

Repeat Chorus

Fisticuffs Leather Rocks

This past Saturday was the 12th annual celebration of Art on the Avenue in the Del Ray area of Alexandria, VA. When I lived in Del Ray, I always looked forward to Art on the Avenue--it seemed the whole neighborhood would come out, with folks enjoying themselves, being among each other, and of course, the art! This past weekend was no exception.

I arrived a little after noon, the sun was shining, and folks were making their way around the festival and the various music stages and artisan booths. Not surprisingly, I ran into bunches of long-time Starbucks customers. (I always enjoy this because it leaves me with such a sense of being a part of a community. This is what I miss most about working less at Starbucks currently--and now, for the second week in a row I got zero hours.)

In any case, I, too made my way around the festival...some of my favorite booths included the booth selling bonsai trees, the Bombay Curry Company's food booth offering vegetable biryani, and most of all John Davis' Fisticuffs Leather.

I absolutely LOVED his handmade from 100% recycled leather cuffs, and was utterly disappointed not to have found any of the many designs that attracted me in my size!!!

:(

Hopefully I'll run into more Fisticuffs Leather creations soon and have better luck then.

Leaving the Ball

This past saturday night I spent the evening volunteering at the Mautner Project's 17th annual Gala Dinner and Reception.

More on details of the evening later...

For now, just wanted to write about leaving the ball.

I had stayed through the (long) dessert program until the dance floor finally opened up. It certainly was a sight to see--scores of queer people dressed up in their finery and dancing! The best thing was to watch people truly enjoying themselves and the people they were with...

Near the end of the evening, though, James Blunt's song, "You're Beautiful" came on, and my inner romantic collided with my inner drama queen, and I knew it was time to go. I can't say that I exactly felt like Cinderella or Prince Charming leaving the ball, but it certainly was an emotionally charged moment.

I had no idea until Monday what the actual words of the song, or its overall sentiment was! Go figure...

James Blunt - You're Beautiful


My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

La la la la la la la la la

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.