It's been quite a while since I last wrote about Sunday services, or other things related to my attendance at
Dignity Washington. This past week, though, I've been contemplating last Sunday's Gospel reading:
(Lk 12:32-48 or 12:35-40)
Jesus said to his disciples:
“Do not be afraid any longer, little flock,
for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.
Sell your belongings and give alms.
Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out,
an inexhaustible treasure in heaven
that no thief can reach nor moth destroy.
For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.
“Gird your loins and light your lamps
and be like servants who await their master’s return from a wedding,
ready to open immediately when he comes and knocks.
Blessed are those servants
whom the master finds vigilant on his arrival.
Amen, I say to you, he will gird himself,
have them recline at table, and proceed to wait on them.
And should he come in the second or third watch
and find them prepared in this way,
blessed are those servants.
Be sure of this:
if the master of the house had known the hour
when the thief was coming,
he would not have let his house be broken into.
You also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect,
the Son of Man will come.”
Then Peter said,
“Lord, is this parable meant for us or for everyone?”
And the Lord replied,
“Who, then, is the faithful and prudent steward
whom the master will put in charge of his servants
to distribute the food allowance at the proper time?
Blessed is that servant whom his master on arrival finds doing so.
Truly, I say to you, the master will put the servant
in charge of all his property.
But if that servant says to himself,
‘My master is delayed in coming,’
and begins to beat the menservants and the maidservants,
to eat and drink and get drunk,
then that servant’s master will come
on an unexpected day and at an unknown hour
and will punish the servant severely
and assign him a place with the unfaithful.
That servant who knew his master’s will
but did not make preparations nor act in accord with his will
shall be beaten severely;
and the servant who was ignorant of his master’s will
but acted in a way deserving of a severe beating
shall be beaten only lightly.
Much will be required of the person entrusted with much,
and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more.”
I was struck most by the end of this passage, "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more."
It came at a time when I felt called upon, yet again, to be the queer transperson of color who patiently educates others about racism within queer communities. I get tired of being
THAT/THE person, but just being
A person isn't a "luxury" I often get to enjoy...
Some might say that I'm "asking for it," having chosen to pursue a career in academia. Certainly, I am going into it knowing the sexist and racist histories of institutions of higher education, as well as the continuing oppressions: classism, heterosexism, transphobia, and of course sexism and racism, still, too!
Most days are good days, and I feel excited by the opportunity to share information and experiences as a means to actively working to make the world a better place for us all. Some days, though, are bad days, and I feel tired and alone; I couldn't possibly go on with any semblance of practicing self-care.
We all have our good and bad days, and days which are neither and/or both. I am fortunate enough to have friends and communities who support me, regardless of the kind of day I'm having, but I do particularly appreciate it on the bad days. (I've known too much and too well know what it's like to feel alone, so I'm always grateful for the reminders--gentle and otherwise--that while I may often feel alone, it is seldom the case that I am alone.)
It's on these bad days that I feel resentful for the work I'm called to do. I whine and I think, "Why must I do this yet again?" I feel sorry for myself, and I refuse to participate. And, when I do nothing, I succeed in changing nothing, and making nothing better for anyone, myself included. I think I'm finally starting to really realized this.
So many groups I've been a part of say, if you want things to change, then take a leadership position and change them. This is your group, if it's not doing what you want, then you need to take responsibility and take ownership.
Ownership...such a funny concept...
Considering the laws of the U.S. that have historically allowed some people to literally own others, and simultaneously have forbade some people access to the means of owning property and becoming full citizens themselves.
I've always had a awkward relationship with ownership.
For example, growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I felt lucky that my parents had a house (I use the term "own" lightly here because considering mortgage after mortgage and refinancing, there are very real ways in which they do and don't "own" the house). I never, however, grew up dreaming I would myself be a homeowner. Chalk it up to the skyrocketing real estate prices, my choice to pursue a career in education, internalized racism being foreign-born and an immigrant who didn't always have legal documentation to be in the country, the gender I was assigned at birth...
It amazed me when friends and lovers (in the past, but also still now in the present) talk of their plans of home ownership. It's not merely a dream/fantasy to them--it's not a matter of "if," but rather simply "when."
I could go on about my contentious relationship with ownership here, but I'm digressing. The point is that I've had a fraught relationship with ownership, and that for various reasons I haven't always risen to accept the responsibility and accountability of things in my life. This reading from Luke has made me think more deeply, however, at the need for me to answer those very calls, because I can. It may not be fair, but it is what is, and denying that reality does nothing to change it. And, in fact, it may only be in accepting that reality that greater social change will finally be brought about.
What are you being called to do? Are you answering that call to the best of your ability?
Here's to wishing us all the courage, love, and support to do all we can of what we are asked, for all our sakes!
